In a Cup

Jan. 15th, 2007 07:47 pm
geminigirl: (Gonzo Whatever)
My life is ridiculous. I cried at Cookie Monster today. (For Muppet fans, it was the song where he talks about the first time he had cookies. And he tells you what his name was before it was Cookie.)

I also spent quite a bit of time figuring out how one goes for semen analysis (beyond the obvious basics.) Dr P recommended that [ profile] zedrikcayne goes for one, just to make sure there are no problems on that end of things. In the discussion I had with Dr P about it, he explained that they used to allow men to give the sample at home, but they were finding that by the time the sample arrived at the hospital, the sample was no longer useful. So Dr P explained, that they now requied men to go to the lab and "give a sample by masturbation" which he accompanied with the hand gesture usually associated with male masturbation. I had to stiffle a giggle at that one. Other than telling me I was smart, referring me to an endocrinologist (I'll make that appointment after I get the results from the bloodwork that he did on Thursday) and telling me to schedule an ultrasound for when I expect to be ovulating, he said if Cayne is all clear, and I'm not pregnant by April, we'll talk about drugs. I have mixed feelings about that, and might make another wide-audience post about that later.

I'm feeling very tired, and blah. Cayne is fixing his computer right now, and I should make something to eat, but I have no energy to do that. We'll see what he wants to do when he's finished with the machine.
geminigirl: (Lemons Icon)
I do love the idea of owning a house. It's a great thing, the whole equity equation, and being able to paint the walls as I want without thinking about what a landlord would say, or worry about holes in the walls or all sorts of other things that one thinks about when renting a place.

But there's a downside. A very serious downside. A very serious and personal and difficult downside. It's not about money, or space, or the Home Owner's Association or the stress of moving. I hate that someone here thought a political ad that says "Sorry, Charlie. Only Jeb Bush Conservatives get to be governor" was a good idea. It's about being here.

I hate Florida. I hate it a great deal. I hate the weather. I don't like the politics. I don't like the people. I don't like the lifestyle. I just don't like it. It's the best place for [ profile] zedrikcayne to be though, in terms of his career and his goals. And in his field, once you get to EA, there aren't many other places to go.

I've held out a little bit of hope that Cayne would spend a few years here, in Orlando, and then we'd move on to another division of EA-and there are lots of options; the Bay Area, Vancouver, Montreal and NoVa, just in North America. I can't do that anymore. I can't pretend that this isn't a long term deal. We're here, and we're staying, for the forseable future. And that's really hard for me.

I would like to be in a place I loved, a place where there was a real job market for me, where the things to do were more interesting to me, where I liked the people I met, where the political climate were more to my liking and so on and so on. And I do try to make my own happiness. I just feel very stuck.

We're here. It's not what I'd have chosen for myself. I share my life with a partner I love, and who I wouldn't give up for anything, and three wonderful cats. I have a pretty house. There are in fact good things about my life. That whole seeing the forest for the trees thing.

I hold out hope that it will get better. I'm not seeking sympathy here. It's life. It's the life that I (mostly) chose, and it's mostly satisfactory. But it's hard to be truly happy when you don't like the place you're at.
geminigirl: (Default)
I'm a puzzle fan. Logic problems, crossword puzzles, Sudoku, all of them strongly appeal to me. I started as a kid, with the logic problems. Really basic ones. The teacher who ran the pull out program for "gifted and talented" kids used to provide them...first they were more visual-a set of of items that have related characteristics, and pick out the one that's different. Then, smaller versions of the the ones in the magazines, where you get five or so clues about things, and you have to match the answers up. Like these. In high school, the librarian would copy the NY Times puzzle every day, and put it in the library, and I started doing it, just about every day, thoughout high school. So I'm really intrigued, and excited for Wordplay The Movie which opens this weekend, and I'm really hoping it makes it to here. (I bemoan leaving New York and DC a lot when things like this show up.) A movie about crossword puzzles? Good entertainment.

There's talk about being sad, about menstruation, and miscarriage and stuff behind here. )
geminigirl: (Default)
The home inspection is tomorrow. I'm crossing fingers or something that it all goes well.

We bought a futon on Sunday, sort of. We put some money down on it, but held off on paying for it in full until we know where it will be delivered to. We needed a new futon anyway, it was a purchase we'd planned to make, so we went to look, saw one we liked, which happened to be on sale, and decided to buy it. It'll go in the guest bedroom/office/man cave/whatever wherever we end up, whether it's the house we put an offer on or not.

I got some news over the weekend which, while I am, in my heart, happy about, it's also raised all kinds of other emotions, largely anger and a feeling of "it's not fair." I won't talk about what the news is right now, but I'm not happy about my own reactions. And while I understand, in a very logical way, that they're emotions, and they don't have to be rational, that doesn't make me feel better about some of them.

I see my midwife again on Wednesday. We'll see what she has to say. I'm hoping she'll say "the cyst is gone, here's what your bloodwork says, now let's talk about getting pregnant."

Some readers may have noticed that I'm not myself. Others may not have. It doesn't matter. :) I've been struggling with some depression lately, which may be related to any number of factors-the miscarriage, going back on the pill, both of those may be reflected in how I'm feeling now. Cayne and I were discussing it over the weekend, and while I was aware of not feeling quite like myself, I hadn't realized that he was so aware, nor how serious it really is. It's not overwhelming, I'm not at a level of truly impaired function, but it is affecting some things. There are some things that I seem to only do when I'm feeling blue, which Cayne noticed; I never had connected the two. There are other things that, once he pointed that out, I could connect-the lack of appetite, the exhaustion, and desire to sleep in the middle of the day, the more intense insomnia. Some of it may be stress, some of it may be hormones, some situational. I'm going to remain aware, mention it at the midwife appointment on Wednesday, and see what needs to happen.


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