geminigirl | Another Question

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(Background: one of the things

mactavish and I did as moderators of

bisexual is to institute a question of the week. Each week, a question that somehow relates to bisexual stuff is posted, and we collect the answers. Just a way of encouraging discussion in the community sort of thing. This one was kind of interesting, and my friends list tends to be more outspoken about their diversity as a sample than the community does, and so I'm curious about how people feel, not just a group that overwhelmingly identifies as bisexual.)

I watched an episode of Showtime's The L Word" on Sunday night, and one character said to another, "Don't bisexuals have their own team?" So here's your question...

Someteimes we hear people saying "he bats for our team" or "she plays for both teams" or something similar. Do you feel a particular association to a community defined by your sexual orientation-gay, straight, bisexual, kink, poly, furry, whatever?

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Well, I don't really identify as anything. When people press me for my sexual orientation, I tell them "opportunist."

I do... As someone who first had poly leanings around a decade ago, I searched for people with similar kinds of ideas. Discarded things like the swinger scene on first contact... and the "kink" crowd didn't do it for me, since that really isn't an "identity" for me, but just a normal part of sex sometimes.

When I came to the bay area in 99 was when I first encountered other people who were poly... it took me until last year to actually break into the right crowds for me, though. I very much feel that the local poly community offers the "family" I've been looking for.

I don't believe so. It could be a function of my being less active in the public scene these days, but even when I attended a lot of parties and participated in mailing lists and munches, I never felt a sense of "community" simply because I was surrounded by kinky people.

Then again, I can be fairly prudish and shy about my sexual proclivities and am less likely to define myself by anything sexual. I'm a pervert, yes, but I'm also a domestic goddess, a shopaholic, a SCAdian, a Southern Belle, a Delta Gamma, a pet-lover, yadda yadda yadda.

not particularly. maybe it is because i live in a town considered very gay-friendly.

i prefer to think of myself as a free agent.

No, I don't feel an association with any specific community related to my sexual orientation, polyamory, etc.

While I do feel that I have some kind of shared bond with people who share my sexual orientation, etc., that bond seems much less significant to me than that formed by other characteristics or interests. For example, I'd be much happier to make a new straight friend who shared my interest in German board games, rather than a new bi friend who liked spending the weekends hiking. Not that I have anything against hiking, but I'd rather be playing German board games.

Speaking of German board games. I just bought Attika, and it looks like it would by your type of game.

I always disliked the "team" analogy. Seems very close-minded, like someone will want nothing to do with you if you aren't the "correct" sexuality.

I've also never felt comfortable with communities based around orientation - they make sexual orientation central to one's identity and I don't feel that way about myself. I do use the term poly, more as a way to indicate my availability then as any sort of connection to the poly community.

For my orientation I'll use sapiosexual which hasn't caught on enough to really have a community *grin*.

I don't feel like I have to want to hang around with any particular person to feel a sense of community with them. I do feel some community around being poly. Not a "team" sort of thing, though. More a sense of some shared experience and being outside the mainstream in a similar way.

I feel a strong affinity for a community that isn't consistently self-aware enough to always know it's a community, but to me it is. (I mean that the community isn't always aware of itself, not that the people in it are not self-aware as individuals.)

It's the community of people whose sexuality (and usually life outlook in general, too) is driven almost entirely by our own internal psyches, rather than largely by mimicking what we're told we're supposed to feel and do.

Well, I suppose that any such affinity with someone whose needs fit comfortably within the prescribed won't likely be recognized. So for the most part the community is limited to those who have reason to feel oppressed and/or pissed off at expectations of "normalcy" that don't fit us.

It would be tempting, then, to say that what I really mean is "queer" in one of its usages. But I do feel affinity with those whose sexuality fits comfortably into the mainstream (smallish though that stream may be) but who also recognize that that's a coincidence, and not something they stake their identity on. So "queer" doesn't quite cut it, for me.

Beyond that, there are several names I'm more comfortable saying I'm a part of than not a apart of, but they don't seem as important as what I wrote above.

How about ambisextrous? I am particularly fond of that term and have used it occasionally when describing myself. It is more a part of me than what defines me......like the fact that I loathe wearing the color pink and prefer cats to dogs as pets.

I violently fight labeling of any kind.

To outward appearances I'm hetero, monogamous, living the traditional boy+girl lifestyle. As for what's on the inside.. I have found that if people change their stance toward you depending on your label. If you're "taken," you're obviously not looking -- but if you're "poly" then you're obviously open to being hit on. Regardless of whether or not you really ARE open to being hit on.

If I move in your direction with my nipples all a-point like a pair of hunting dogs on a quail covey, then you may safely assume I'm interested in you - but not before, just because I'm on what you perceive as your "team." Okay?

So, one reason I don't openly identify with any community is that I don't care to spend that much energy correcting other people's assumptions about me. And the other is that I'm private. Really, really private. "Gay" or "kinky" or whatever label automatically conjures up a set of sexual acts. But if you're not my partner, I probably don't want you to think about me liking it on top, on bottom, from a girl, from a dog, from a leather-wearing girl dog... No. It's not because I'm embarassed about any of my desires (I certainly celebrate them with the appropriate people!). Just isn't me to go around putting knowledge of What I Do In Bed in other people's heads.

Gawd, I'm one cranky bitch tonight. :/

Oh, and I switch, too. Can't you tell? ;-)

Tricky, that. I suppose it's context-dependent. In a given context I'm more likely to think "Am I comfortable here or not?" than to identify as "an xyz". When I go to Bicon I feel very very much a part of the bi community. (Even though I live on the other side of the world where there isn't a "bi community" as such, just a bunch of people, some of whom kind of cluster as friends). When I'm in a goth club I'm comfortable, even if I'm peripheral and not core community there. When I'm among fellow geeks, I enjoy myself even if I can't get as seriously tech-obsessed as most of the others.

The other day I found a personality profile result which my former shrink once did for me. It basically said I was radically independent by temperament and not very much inclined to define myself in group terms. So yes, there are communities where I feel comfortable and communities where I don't (like, interestingly enough, most gay clubs these days. But it's the yuppiedom, banality and mainstreamness of it all which squicks me, not (obviously) the sexual aspect)

That's about it for now, I guess.

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