geminigirl | (no subject)

I have eight weeks to finish with this wedding. Cayne and I need to take time to go get a marriage license, we need to go out to Long Island to finish making arrangements with the site, and so many other details. And yet, there never seems to be time to do this.

And why must my mother make my life difficult? Dad is chaperoning a bunch of high school kids who are taking a college class this term. It ends soon. We finally wrangle a day off for Cayne and it turns out that Dad can't do it that day, so Mom gets on the phone and starts yelling at me for being ridiculous and that that date doesn't work and I'll have to choose a different one. The conversation I'd had previously with Dad, and thee first thing I'd said to my mother on the phone. She still felt the need to raise her voice and so on with me...which blows my mind. Especially since I'd said to Dad that I couldn't do anything until Cayne got home, which Mom also knew. Whatever. I pointed out that she was being unreasonable by raising her voice, when I'd already said that I'd take care of it when Cayne returned home, which seemed to only bother her more. Her inability to listen to what anyone else says bothers me...I already said I'd do it, but I can't do it until Monday, so stop giving me attitude and raising your voice for no sensible reason, and I'll give you whatever details I have on Monday. End of story. Why the need to upset me, or to get upset enough to raise your voice over it? Because that's my mother, and she'll never be able to deal. And I really hope that her attitude changes once this wedding is over, because I find it intolerable.

And, I'm stressed because I still haven't found anything to wear Saturday night, before the wedding.

Cayne is in Ottawa this weekend, which is wonderful for him. I'm glad he's getting some time to go and mess around and have fun. So he calls me, from his bachelor party, just to tell me hello and that he loves me. That amused me. My biggest worry about Cayne and his bachelor party was that he'd drink enough to make himself ill with alcohol poisoning or something. That fear isn't assauaged, but if I'd had any worries about what other kinds of things he might engage in, they would be all well and gone.

Clothes are fitting funny...I'm in between sizes and stuff. I need new bras-I've moved them two hooks smaller and I'm just not filling the cups out anymore. I'm having trouble finding pants that fit properly. I've noticed though, that I move differently-I noticed it getting off the couch the other day. I've moved my seat in the car. My engagement ring fits oddly-even when I'm bloated in the morning, it's still sliding around a bunch-and my fingers never gained a lot of weight. It's interesting. I've also had some cravings for salty foods for the last few days, so we'll see, since I've given in to them for the last two days.

Lately, I've been rehashing issues about getting married. Not about being with Cayne, which I think is a wonderful thing, but the idea of getting married-the cultural, social and political impact of it. And despite the months of comfort I found after long conversations with

aquariumgirl and

rivka and

curiousangel and

fj and

pinkfish and

brattman and everyone else who listened to me ramble on about it. I've spent so much of my time over the last decade and a bit as an activist. It's what I do, and I'm good at it. I've been an advocate for social justice, since I was a kid. But as I got older, mostly in college and beyond, I've been doing lgbt and HIV related activism. It's just what I do, and I'm good at it, and it's near and dear to me. Which is all fine and well and good, but I'm getting married...to a man. And a straight man at that. And while I can't envision his attitude changing about what I do, or who I am after we're married, I can't help but worry that it might. And what about other people? How will I be viewed, be judged by the people in my community. I've never cared about whether other people were married, or involved, unless I was interested in them. But you know...I have no idea if that's the attitude of others. And I want to be sure that Cayne will support me in my activities, that other people won't be made uncomfortable by my marital status. Because no matter what happens between Cayne and I, no matter what path our relationship takes, and how we decide to make that entity which is "us" work, I'm still me.

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Because no matter what happens between Cayne and I, no matter what path our relationship takes, and how we decide to make that entity which is "us" work, I'm still me.

Exactly. And likely richer and wiser for the experience too! But I think people will treat you exactly as befroe, so don't worry. I've never really made much of distinction between marrieds and singles, at least.

You know, if you could come down here I could go shopping with you. I'm an excellent shopper, especially when I'm on a mission.

My relationship with my parents changed for the better when I told them at one point (when one or the other was acting in an inappropriate manner), "Mom, I'm an adult, and I don't have to sit here and listen to you yelling at me inappropriately. I'll be happy to talk with you when you're civil, but for now, I'm hanging up because of how you're treating me." And then I hung up.

It shocked them completely out of their previous modes of parenting, and we moved on to a much more adult relationship.

It would have been a good plan, if it had worked...but well, hanging up the phone on Mom is apparently not acceptable. We've done it calmly, we've done it in anger, we've done it with an explanation.

But it's okay for Mom to hang up on me.

Ugh.

Have I mentioned before that your mom does not behave like a grownup in her relationship with you?

Regarding the whole Saturday night before the wedding attire thing, is there anything already in your closet that would work? Perhaps with new accessories?

Many, many times, have you mentioned that.

Unfortunately, nothing I currently own will work-it's either work stuff, or dressy stuff, and not much inbetween. Depending on the location, a skirt with the right top is a possibility, but I still need to find the right top.

I'm going to raid Mom's closet this weekend and see if she has anything.

I understand the part about feeling odd about marriage. I've come to realize in the last few years that I'm more of a "queer" (for lack of a more-encompassing term) than I ever was willing to admit. Yet I'm married to a straight man. Does this make me lose cred in the queer community? Probably. Who wants a straight girl (so it seems anyway) showing up to their little gay activist party anyway? It's about how things look on the outside. I can't make people understand who I am without a long-winded custom teeshirt, they just have to get to know me. It seems that people reluctantly let me in, and the ones who really find out what I'm about love that I'm a part of their group. But when I sit and really think about myself, I don't fit in anywhere else and I feel more comfortable in that crowd than anywhere else. Maybe if I wasn't married I'd "live the lifestyle" a bit more, or a lot more. But this is who I am, and that is who you are, and if you are comfortable with it and accept it, people will see that and accept you too. Eventually.