geminigirl | (no subject)

As I was cutting up some chicken to go in a stir fry for Cayne's lunch, I had Oprah on the TV. She's interviewing author Terry McMillian (of the semi-autobiographical How Stella Got her Groove Back and Waiting to Exhale and others) and her ex-husband, Johnathan Plummer, who revealed to Terry that he was gay.

During the early part of the program, Oprah was discussing with Terry McMillan how Johnathan revealed his sexual orientation to Oprah, and how, at the time he revealed to her that he is gay he also said that he'd never been intimate with a man. Terry McMillian responded with, "That's like saying you're an alcoholic without ever having had a drink."

It's a frequent refrain, "How can you know you're lesbian/gay/bisexual if you've never had sex with a MOTAS¹?

So, how did you know about your own sexuality...gay, lesbian, bisexual, straight, whatever label you choose to apply? Before or after you started having sex? Did you ever question it? How do you feel about what Terry McMillian said to Johnathan-do you think people can know before they try it?

(Anon posting on, IP logging off, so go ahead an answer anonymously if you like-also, feel free to link to this post and encourage other people to answer, and

mactavish I can re-post it Friday to

bisexual as a QOTW if you like.)

1. Member Of The Appropriate Sex

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First of all, I was really surprised by the depth of Mcmillan's anger over her husband coming out. I know there are probably issues that didn't come out on Oprah (at least, I hope there were) but her rage seemed really out of proportion to something that he, essentially, couldn't fix.

I am of the firm opinion that sexual orientation is about attraction, not action. It's a fundamental aspect of brain chemistry. I certainly knew I was bi before I started having sex - I had crushes on both boys and girls, therefore, to my logical little mind, I was obviously bisexual. It did take me a while longer to start experimenting with girls than with boys, but I never questioned that I would eventually.

I think it sort of makes sense that she would be angry (although I am far from saying that it's right) -- after all, the man that she chose to spend the rest of her life with essentially lied to her, saying that he wanted the same thing, and thus rejected her. It's hard to have something like that happen to you and not be crushed, I'd assume.

Hmmm. I could see that if he was leaving her for another woman, or even just that he was sick of her voice (man does her voice grate!) but because he's gay? That's not about her. Yeah, it sucks, but I don't see it producing that kind of all-consuming rage.

I know! And, you know!

But not everyone is as understanding as we are... and she may be one of those.

Yes, true. I guess if you're one of those who believe being gay is a choice, then it could feel like he just didn't want to be with her anymore.

I don't really know anything about this particular person's rage, but I can certainly see how something like that could be extremely upsetting.

I think mostly, it would be upsetting in terms of ruining the future you thought the two of you were going to have. But I think it could also be anger at the other person, in the sense of, "couldn't you have figured this out BEFORE you married me?"