You have been warned

[geminigirl]

This post contains non-graphic discussion about menstruation and sex-more precisely, sex with men, but not sex while menstruating. And it contains stuff about me and my sexual orientation. Read at your own risk.



I've been on birth control pills for years. Since college. What that really means is my period is uberpredictable. In the Urgent Care unit, the nurse looked at me like I was on crack when she asked me when my last period began and I said to her "Four weeks ago tomorrow." I also mentioned that I was on the pill.

But for a good year, I didn't really have sex with men, except for incidentally. And I guess in that time, I paid less attention to my own menstrual cycle than I used to. And so even though the timing is the same, I don't recognize a lot of my physical PMS symptoms the way I used to. The emotional ones are the same, but they've always been inconsistent...so when they're there I know what they are, but when they're not I don't miss them. And the cravings have changed because I eat a bit differently.

So here's how the two are connected...

My period is late. Not late enough to worry me...but late. melebeth laughed at me for this because my period is usually so precise it comes within a couple of hours. So I can be very ready. And it's not here. melebeth is right that I've been quite sick, and not really the usual me. And on pretty heavy duty medication at the moment. So I'm not worried. And besides...it's a virtual impossibiltiy for me to be pregnant, so I'm honestly not concerned about that. What's tripping me up though, is the sudden realization of disconnect with my own body. It's not a natural cycle when I'm on the pill and I'm okay with that; being off the pill was so awful for me. And since I'm not in a relationship where a pregnancy would be wise, nor am I at a place in my life where I'm ready to be a parent, the protection it provides is a good thing. But my own awareness of things is different than it used to be, and I need to get back to that...to at least knowing what my cycle is like when it's chemically regulated.




All of this thinking though has gotten me to draw the conclusion that I'm far less okay with sleeping with men than I thought I was. I'm not not okay with it, but I'm tired of the recurrent issues around my sex life. It's all internal stuff. While bisexual is the most accurate label I've found for the "who do I like to 'do the grown up' with," I've struggled regularly with the sex with men part of it. Every couple of years, it recurrs for no apparent reason nor with any discernible pattern. When I do sleep with men, I enjoy it. And I like it and want it and sometimes when I'm not doing it I miss it. And when I am doing it, I want more. But I still struggle with acceping the fact that I do like it. (Internalized heterophobia, I guess.) I'm just getting used to it being a part of my life again. It means something different to me...it's easier for boysex to be just about sex, and nothing else, even when it's not. No matter how much I enjoy it, there's always the ability, possibilty to detatch. To phone it in, to "masturbate with someone else's body," to just be physically and not mentally or emotionally there. I don't want that. I want to be there completely. I want to stop thinking about this. I want that feeling of being able to separate things to go away. Because I really do like men in my life...I like so many things about them, and it's not unthinkable that there will be male candidates for lifepartnertype things. So it's complicated. And it confuses me.

I'm going to ignore as much of this confusion as I can and chalk it up to PMS. I'm going to enjoy the wonderment and happiness in my life, and I'm going to forget that I'm not sure. But I'm sure it will pick yet another inconvenient time to rear its head.


And I'm not pregnant.

Comments

[datagoddess.livejournal.com]

It means something different to me...it's easier for boysex to be just about sex, and nothing else, even when it's not.

I've noticed that, and I've only been out as bi to myself a little over a year. When indyansel and I became poly, I had a series of brief flings with men, which were pretty much just about sex. When I've been with women, it's always been more relationship-based (at least that's the intent). And I've thought about whether or not I could be comfortable having a sexual relationship with a woman that's just about sex.

I figured it was more because being with women was new to me, but I'm not so sure, to be honest.

[mittelbar.livejournal.com]

You're not pregnant.

I've also been on the pill for years. When I would start having sex with someone new (boys), I'd *always* stutter on the start days. This was especially disturbing when cheating, lemme tell you.

(Recently, I went to the patch, though, and got to get freaked out by a whole other set of timing fribbitzes.)

Boysex: m. Do you spend a lot of time romantically with boys while *not* having sex? Talking and cuddling and stuff? Does it make any difference?

[geminigirl]

Of coures I'm not pregnant. It's virtually impossible. melebeth and I tend to get kind of snarky about people who freak out because "My period is two hours late and I stood next to a boy, and I'm on the pill and we used condoms and spermicide, and am I pregnant." Which is why it amused me that I was so uncomfortable about things seeming offtrack.

But this isn't new. It's been a couple of months. Things should have setteled down by now and it messed with me for a short time.

How do you like the patch? There seems to be a lot of panic among the people using it about the corners lifting up and how much is that going to affect efficacy...

As for the snugglytime thing, it depends on the relationship. Some more than others, but unless it's a clearly defined "sex only, friends with access" thing, then there's always time for other things. There has to be or it's no fun.

[mittelbar.livejournal.com]

Oh, well, then, fine. Thought you might be looking for confirmation.

Sleeping/snuggling: OK, so you behave pretty much the same in close but non-sexual situations with boys and girls?

Patch: dunno. Periods seem to last longer, and PMS-y stuff is more pronounced. I haven't been too stressed about the corners. It either sticks enough or it doesn't. If it doesn't, you've lost 3 bucks. Fuckers. (That's 3 bucks after *insurance*. The things are goddamned expensive.)

[geminigirl]

Yeah. The otherparts are the same. It's just the sex that messes up my head. And sometimes it doesn't. Sometimes its fine and okay, and doesn't seem to tweak me that I do have sex with men. And sometimes it does and then I have to find ways to ignore it or distract myself from it. (Not the sex, the squirmyness-the sex part I like. It's the not always feeling okay about it that I don't like.)

[geminigirl]

It's a long term thing for me...I've been out nearly ten years, and aware but not out at all for a good five or six before that. But it's always been that way-ever since I started messing around with boys-that I could just be there but not. I think that was one of the big clues for me that it wasn't only about boys for me, and that maybe I should try girls.

Selfish. I think that's part of it. With girls, it's a much bigger concern about whether it's mutual, but with boys it's about whether or not I get off. But that's only the physical part of it...it says nothing for the emotions involved. And when I'm with someone I care about, it does matter, regardless of their gender.

I've done the casual sex thing both ways. And sometimes I like it and sometimes I don't...it's easier in my head to do the casual sex with guys.

I think it comes down to this...

While I don't phone it in when I'm with someone who matters to me, rather than just a casual sex thing, the fact that I can do that, and do in fact do it sometimes bothers me. Because what if I do cross that line?