Things that are going on here.

Naomi turned 5. We had our dance recital-both kids were terrific. Naomi got a slot in one of the Kindergarten programs we were hoping for; I'm still conflicted about not choosing to homeschool, but between Andrew's logical, sensible concerns about our family dynamic and personalities in our family, and the fact that it's much easier to get into magnet or charter programs in Kindergarten rather than as an older child, we opted to try it. We always have the option of pulling her out...we don't always have the option of putting her in. So she'll start a French Immersion kindergarten program in the fall. Perhaps someday I'll get around to writing about how mind blowing it is to me that I have a 5 year old.

Miriam will also start preschool, 3 mornings a week for a couple of hours. Suddenly, I'll have a few weekday hours to myself. This is daunting and thrilling at the same time. I'm not sure what I'm going to do with myself-I'll probably embark on some intensive French study, to improve my vocabulary and be better prepared to help Naomi out. I'd thought about taking some sewing classes but the first class I want to take is being given on a day I anticipate Miriam being home in the fall, so that will have to wait. The real question here though is what about the rest of my life? We've talked about another baby, but that may or many not happen, so I'm not planning with any definite eye towards it happening. Leaving metro-NY and metro-DC has kind of crushed the opportunities that were part of my plans years ago; I'd planned on a PhD, probably in public health or human sexuality, and then hopefully doing curriculum development in human sexuality for children and adolescents...but being here in Florida, the only two places that offer relevant PhDs are two hours away, and there aren't enough job opportunities for me to feel like it's a wise choice right now; we're not likely to relocate for a job in my field, since there's no way it would pay comparably to what Andrew's job would provide. And so I feel very, very lost. I don't know what I want to do anymore. I don't know what I'm good at. I've been out of both the workforce and academics for long enough that even if I did want to go back to school I'd have no one to write recent recommendations. I'm flailing here and it's sad and depressing. With Miriam in school only 3 half days next year, it will be tough to do any real volunteering, but if we do VPK with her the following year, it may become easier depending on the schedule. Whatever happens I don't even know what I like or want to do or what I'm good at anymore; I feel like I'm disconnected so much with who I used to be that I'm not sure who I am. It's an interesting place to be-many choices, but so many constraints.

We're heading out to see my parents soon-I haven't seen them in a little over a year, and they haven't seen the kids in a year and a half. The plan had been for them to go on an anniversary trip last summer for their 40th anniversary, and they did that, but they were supposed to come down here in October...and then my Dad got sick. He went into the hospital Labor Day weekend and didn't come home until December-so obviously they weren't able to come here in the fall. My father's illness (West Nile Virus, complicated by the fact that he'd had encephalitis two years prior which he also ended up with from the WNV, and further complicated by the fact that he ended up with tremendous gastric bleeding during the treatment and had to undergo several surgeries-there was a point at which they intubated him and told us they weren't sure if they would ever be able to extubate him) has caused permanent changes-he's lost a great deal of memory-long and short term. His movement has been affected. It's challenging-it's changed my mother's life dramatically, obviously, who has, in many ways lost the spouse she knew. And my father has changed in many ways, though it's not quite as ever present as for my mother. A week or two ago I got a phone call from him..."I know my anniversary is coming. I think it's July 9th. How many years is it?" I explained that it was 41 years, and asked if he remembered the trip they took last summer. He had no memory of it at all. There are days when he can't remember anything and days when he's all there. No one is quite sure what the long term prognosis is; it's unlikely he'll regain all of his memory. They say most progress happens within the first six to twelve months, with some in the 12-24 months after the illness, and little or no progress after that, but some of the changes are likely to remain permanent. I'm anxious about spending two weeks with my parents...my Mom and her lack of boundaries and body shaming are stressful enough, but add to that my children who can be disruptive to someone who isn't used to them and we're looking at a rather challenging two weeks. Plus of course any stress that comes with my sister visiting at the same time (she wants to see the kids, too) and my half-siblings wanting to get together, which my mother is absolutely awful about. The kids will go to day camp during the week-having them underfoot would be overwhelming for my Dad, but that's still a lot of time...and I don't know what we'll do with ourselves while we're there and the kids aren't home. If I'm grateful for one thing, I'm grateful that my kids don't really remember what my Dad was like before the WNV and don't know what they're missing. We'll follow that with a drive back towards Florida with a stop in DC; we may AutoTrain from DC the rest of the way or we'll drive all the way home.

I am hoping for low stress and peace. I'm not very hopeful though. We'll get through...it'll work out.