(no subject)
Jul. 21st, 2002 04:35 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
geminigirlThere are people singing loudly in Spanish outside. I suspect they're on a balcony or something in one of the nearby buildings.
I can't sleep. Sleep is a challenge many nights...not so much falling asleep but staying asleep. It always has been; the littlest noise will wake me. Sometimes, the cat climbing onto the other side of the bed will wake me. But the challenge of staying asleep combined with the difficulty I've had falling asleep the last few nights makes things worse. I should probably head for the shower soon, so I can get dressed and drive to the train station and be on the train at 6:20. Fortunatly I can sleep on the train.
Normally I love train rides, when I can stretch out and relax, look out the window and so on. Watching the sun rise from the train window is actually quite stunning. I'm dreading this train ride; I know what's at the other end, and I'm not prepared for it. I've wanted to be able to let go of the flood of emotions that's inside..the sad/anger/fear. I want to let it go. I want to break stuff. To explode.
I am cursing whatever is out there. I should not be going to funerals for my friends. Whatever higher powers may exist...I question them...why this, why now, why him? And maybe even a bit of why me.
I question my own strength...the capacity to deal with this, and with everything that goes on in my life. Am I really strong enough? Is there enough love in my life to carry me through, when I need it?
Why?
I can't sleep. Sleep is a challenge many nights...not so much falling asleep but staying asleep. It always has been; the littlest noise will wake me. Sometimes, the cat climbing onto the other side of the bed will wake me. But the challenge of staying asleep combined with the difficulty I've had falling asleep the last few nights makes things worse. I should probably head for the shower soon, so I can get dressed and drive to the train station and be on the train at 6:20. Fortunatly I can sleep on the train.
Normally I love train rides, when I can stretch out and relax, look out the window and so on. Watching the sun rise from the train window is actually quite stunning. I'm dreading this train ride; I know what's at the other end, and I'm not prepared for it. I've wanted to be able to let go of the flood of emotions that's inside..the sad/anger/fear. I want to let it go. I want to break stuff. To explode.
I am cursing whatever is out there. I should not be going to funerals for my friends. Whatever higher powers may exist...I question them...why this, why now, why him? And maybe even a bit of why me.
I question my own strength...the capacity to deal with this, and with everything that goes on in my life. Am I really strong enough? Is there enough love in my life to carry me through, when I need it?
Why?
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no subject
Date: 2002-07-22 08:20 am (UTC)There sometimes is no answer to "why." There sometimes is no answer to why you or I or anyone else keep pushing forward despite any number of barriers or difficulties. Or whether we have the strength to do it. I know there are many times I doubt my own strength, too. I can only speak from my own experience here, but for me, the only way to find out if I have the strength is to keep going forward - and I always seem to find it somewhere, but sometimes it all looks so overwhelming from the outset. Especially with chronic health problems, any other major life happening makes everything seem ten times *more* overwhelming.
It really doesn't surprise me you've gone numb about your friend's death. I think it's a survival mechanism right now. You will be able to break down eventually - if you haven't already, with the funeral yesterday.
As far as love, I do have a strong belief that the love in our lives finds us when we most need it - *if* we're open to seeing and receiving it - sometimes it comes across in ways we don't expect. That might sound cliched but I firmly believe that.
I hope yesterday went "ok." I don't know if you've found answers to any of your questions - certainly "why" is a question that's never fully answered when it comes to suicide - but I do hope you have found the support, either within yourself or from others, that you so understandably need right now!