geminigirl | (no subject) (Reply)

I have eight weeks to finish with this wedding. Cayne and I need to take time to go get a marriage license, we need to go out to Long Island to finish making arrangements with the site, and so many other details. And yet, there never seems to be time to do this.

And why must my mother make my life difficult? Dad is chaperoning a bunch of high school kids who are taking a college class this term. It ends soon. We finally wrangle a day off for Cayne and it turns out that Dad can't do it that day, so Mom gets on the phone and starts yelling at me for being ridiculous and that that date doesn't work and I'll have to choose a different one. The conversation I'd had previously with Dad, and thee first thing I'd said to my mother on the phone. She still felt the need to raise her voice and so on with me...which blows my mind. Especially since I'd said to Dad that I couldn't do anything until Cayne got home, which Mom also knew. Whatever. I pointed out that she was being unreasonable by raising her voice, when I'd already said that I'd take care of it when Cayne returned home, which seemed to only bother her more. Her inability to listen to what anyone else says bothers me...I already said I'd do it, but I can't do it until Monday, so stop giving me attitude and raising your voice for no sensible reason, and I'll give you whatever details I have on Monday. End of story. Why the need to upset me, or to get upset enough to raise your voice over it? Because that's my mother, and she'll never be able to deal. And I really hope that her attitude changes once this wedding is over, because I find it intolerable.

And, I'm stressed because I still haven't found anything to wear Saturday night, before the wedding.

Cayne is in Ottawa this weekend, which is wonderful for him. I'm glad he's getting some time to go and mess around and have fun. So he calls me, from his bachelor party, just to tell me hello and that he loves me. That amused me. My biggest worry about Cayne and his bachelor party was that he'd drink enough to make himself ill with alcohol poisoning or something. That fear isn't assauaged, but if I'd had any worries about what other kinds of things he might engage in, they would be all well and gone.

Clothes are fitting funny...I'm in between sizes and stuff. I need new bras-I've moved them two hooks smaller and I'm just not filling the cups out anymore. I'm having trouble finding pants that fit properly. I've noticed though, that I move differently-I noticed it getting off the couch the other day. I've moved my seat in the car. My engagement ring fits oddly-even when I'm bloated in the morning, it's still sliding around a bunch-and my fingers never gained a lot of weight. It's interesting. I've also had some cravings for salty foods for the last few days, so we'll see, since I've given in to them for the last two days.

Lately, I've been rehashing issues about getting married. Not about being with Cayne, which I think is a wonderful thing, but the idea of getting married-the cultural, social and political impact of it. And despite the months of comfort I found after long conversations with

aquariumgirl and

rivka and

curiousangel and

fj and

pinkfish and

brattman and everyone else who listened to me ramble on about it. I've spent so much of my time over the last decade and a bit as an activist. It's what I do, and I'm good at it. I've been an advocate for social justice, since I was a kid. But as I got older, mostly in college and beyond, I've been doing lgbt and HIV related activism. It's just what I do, and I'm good at it, and it's near and dear to me. Which is all fine and well and good, but I'm getting married...to a man. And a straight man at that. And while I can't envision his attitude changing about what I do, or who I am after we're married, I can't help but worry that it might. And what about other people? How will I be viewed, be judged by the people in my community. I've never cared about whether other people were married, or involved, unless I was interested in them. But you know...I have no idea if that's the attitude of others. And I want to be sure that Cayne will support me in my activities, that other people won't be made uncomfortable by my marital status. Because no matter what happens between Cayne and I, no matter what path our relationship takes, and how we decide to make that entity which is "us" work, I'm still me.