(no subject)

My mom's been asking me frequently if I've been tested for AIDS yet. I'm not interested in trying to get into the whole explanation of HIV test, not an AIDS test and all that with my Mom. But I did ask why she wanted to know if I had been tested. Her answer?

"I don't know. It's just a today thing."

I told this story to roosterbear the other night. His response?

"It sounds like some kind of a tampon commercial."

BAH!

*Sigh*

HIV test results came back today...Negative.

Everything else from the infectious disease doc that's already back...negative. Still waiting for some other stuff. She's out of the office next week, so I won't hear.

My fever has gone up an average of about half a degree. I'm actually feeling warm, frequently.

We're at an odd point here. I'm clearly not well. No one's found anything as a cause yet. There are a few options...waiting, some imaging studies, or possibly rhematology, for chronic fatigue or other similar possiblity.

It's a good thing I'm not a worrier. It's a good thing that I have distractions.

You can't take the sex out of bisexual

I had the opportunity today to do some talking about bisexuality to people...gay and straight.

I had the chance to talk about middle ground. I talked about feeling not gay enough for some, and not straight enough for others. I talked about how I had the words "gay" "lesbian" and "straight" in my vocabulary long before I had "bisexual" as an option.

I talked about self-esteem. About how when it's hard to fit anywhere, it's hard to feel okay with your label. And stereotyping...how just because I'm the type who likes to have both it means nothing about other bisexual people, but that for me, I feel out of balance.

Most importantly, I had a chance to talk about internalized homophobia. I got to talk about my own internalized homophobia. Admitting to that was incredibly painful, but cathartic and soothing at the same time. But I'll admit, I have my own. It's perhaps why I struggle so much with my own label. I don't worry about walking into a room and being percieved as gay...I have the opposite problem in fact. But what I do know is that I have moments of wishing I could be one way or the other. Moments when I have to explain for the thousanth time that I like both, that it's not a phase and I'm not confused. The times when I have to explain that I'm not necessarily sleeping with men and with women...that it's not all about threesomes and hot sex and getting both. I'd love to give up having to explain bisexuality.

At the same time, it's such an integral part of who I am, that I wouldn't be me without it.

And the point I made at the end...

homosexual men=gay
homosexual women=lesbian
heterosexual people=straight
bisexual=?
No matter how much I say it's not about sex, you just can't take the sex out of it.