Fast Forward

Every once in a while, I have days where I feel like I'm running on fast forward. Where I'm doing everything at high speed...today was one. I don't know what causes them, but I don't like them. In fact, they scare me. They make me nervous; it's not mania exactly but it feels kind of close. Fortunatly, I'm working too many hours this week, and with no overtime approved for me, I'm taking some afternoons off-took off early today, tomorrow and Tuesday. I came home, relaxed a bit, read, the usual sorts of things one might do to relax when one is alone.

The conference proposal is finished and faxed off. Hard copy dropped in the mail as well. It's not as good a story as rivka's grant proposal story, but it only took three drafts, and A. my department head (and potential co-presenter-this is a national conference they're not going to let me do this on my own for the first time) coming back into my office after I made the last set of revisions and asking me if I'd faxed it yet and wanting to know why not telling to make one more change to it. I screeched at him, "Leave me alone, I'm being anal retentive" and he made fun of me. I needed it; I was far too stressed about the process. I'm pleased that it only went through three revisions...none of them major. A word here, a word there, a comma there, add this sentence from the old abstract and that was it. Now we wait. I should hear within the month.

I'm calmer, much calmer than this morning. I have a late meeting and teaching at 8...I've got just a bit less than hour til I've got to leave, and I'm just going to take it easy.

But I can't take the fast forward days.

"Everybody Dies Frustrated Sad and That is Beautiful"

Despite the stress involved, the conferece proposal is off. This is an important step in actually preparing to go back to school-doing the sorts of things that one does actually need to do in academia.

My parents are supportive of the decision...so much so that Mom didn't just ignore it or laugh it off, but mentioned it to Dad. It's becoming real. I'm thinking about things like GREs, which I hope I don't have to take. (I've been told that some programs don't require them if you've already earned a master's degree. Go MSW.)

Do you know that just thinking about this gives me knots in my stomach? I don't know WHY I'm doing it. Simply because I want to...because it's something that I think I decided I wanted to do even before I fully understood what it meant.

But the fear of failure is paralyzing. So little that I've pursued, or been required to study has challenged me. More often than not, it bores me. Other than stats of course, which kicked my butt. I've never worked so hard for a B in my life. B's are for the average amount of work. A's are for a little effort. So I'm not sure I'm equipped academically to do this. I know I'll learn to, because I'm very good at doing what has to be done.

And getting rejected from programs when I do my applications? I don't know how I'll handle that. I applied to 11 schools as an undergrad, and didn't get rejected from any.

I want to do this. I want to be successful at it. I'm quite stubborn sometimes, and I suppose this is one of those moments.

I still fear the money part. I'm trying to listen to melebeth who is adamant that I do this and equally adamant about my not paying for it.

But will I be good at it?