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"Hope is the Key that Unlocks the Mind"
Dec. 3rd, 2002 02:17 amIn the hustle of the holiday season, December rings in another moment of questions for me.
Not just this December, but each and every December, the World AIDS Day rememberances and events roll around, and I'm out there, doing something. Protests, vigils, memorials, I do something. Sometimes I even plan the event that I'm at. Not this year. It's not that I couldn't or that I didn't want to, but I'm just tired. I'm tired of fighting.
I do this work for no reason that I know of other than I'm supposed to be doing it. If you've ever talked to anyone who has very strong spiritual ties, someone who's in the ministry perhaps...they might tell you how they were called to it, they just knew. Well that's the way this is. Sure, I've given the work I do second thoughts. But I can't see walking away from it. I'd be empty. And even if I'm not always doing it in the precise way that I do now, I think I'll somehow stay connected.
But I'm tired of fighting. It happens. People burn out all the time, they walk away and someone else picks up the slack. I know this fight was passed to me by other people, and I'm not walking away, not giving up, not passing it on, yet. But I'm tired of fighting, and feeling like I'm losing. I must be some masochist, beating my head against the proverbial wall all the time doing this. There are some great people who walked this path before me, doing things I can only imagine doing, hurdles and mountains far bigger than the ones I have to get beyond...there are great people now, working with me, much greater than I am, and there are great people who are learning to follow, who will carry on long after I'm not out there in the way I am now.
It's a bump in the road. I get this feeling sometimes...especially arond this time of year, when I realize how much I haven't done.
I don't do this for me anymore. I could walk away knowing what I already know and probably be just fine. But that's not enough. That's not enough for me anyway.
But when is it over? When is it enough, and when does it stop?
I'm tired. I want a vacation from fighting this fight. I want to not have to do it anymore...not to give it to someone else to keep doing it, to teach someone else how to do this, but over...gone, finished.
I said goodbye to the person who started me on this path, to the person who lit my fire. My fire is still burning...and sure, maybe it needs a bit of stoking at this point. It happens. I know that.
But when does this end? I can't go on fighting forever...and I can only hope there will always be people out there to do this.
Maybe it's just about hope. Hope that I'll get a break someday. Hope that maybe, someday, I won't have to think about getting a break because I'll be too busy celebrating.
Red ribbons don't save lives. They remind us that we still have work to do.
I'll get up and I'll go out there, and I'll do my part. And I'll keep doing it, until I can't do it anymore, or until there's no more work left to do.
And that's the day that I'm hoping for.
Not just this December, but each and every December, the World AIDS Day rememberances and events roll around, and I'm out there, doing something. Protests, vigils, memorials, I do something. Sometimes I even plan the event that I'm at. Not this year. It's not that I couldn't or that I didn't want to, but I'm just tired. I'm tired of fighting.
I do this work for no reason that I know of other than I'm supposed to be doing it. If you've ever talked to anyone who has very strong spiritual ties, someone who's in the ministry perhaps...they might tell you how they were called to it, they just knew. Well that's the way this is. Sure, I've given the work I do second thoughts. But I can't see walking away from it. I'd be empty. And even if I'm not always doing it in the precise way that I do now, I think I'll somehow stay connected.
But I'm tired of fighting. It happens. People burn out all the time, they walk away and someone else picks up the slack. I know this fight was passed to me by other people, and I'm not walking away, not giving up, not passing it on, yet. But I'm tired of fighting, and feeling like I'm losing. I must be some masochist, beating my head against the proverbial wall all the time doing this. There are some great people who walked this path before me, doing things I can only imagine doing, hurdles and mountains far bigger than the ones I have to get beyond...there are great people now, working with me, much greater than I am, and there are great people who are learning to follow, who will carry on long after I'm not out there in the way I am now.
It's a bump in the road. I get this feeling sometimes...especially arond this time of year, when I realize how much I haven't done.
I don't do this for me anymore. I could walk away knowing what I already know and probably be just fine. But that's not enough. That's not enough for me anyway.
But when is it over? When is it enough, and when does it stop?
I'm tired. I want a vacation from fighting this fight. I want to not have to do it anymore...not to give it to someone else to keep doing it, to teach someone else how to do this, but over...gone, finished.
I said goodbye to the person who started me on this path, to the person who lit my fire. My fire is still burning...and sure, maybe it needs a bit of stoking at this point. It happens. I know that.
But when does this end? I can't go on fighting forever...and I can only hope there will always be people out there to do this.
Maybe it's just about hope. Hope that I'll get a break someday. Hope that maybe, someday, I won't have to think about getting a break because I'll be too busy celebrating.
Red ribbons don't save lives. They remind us that we still have work to do.
I'll get up and I'll go out there, and I'll do my part. And I'll keep doing it, until I can't do it anymore, or until there's no more work left to do.
And that's the day that I'm hoping for.
