"Hope is the Key that Unlocks the Mind"

[geminigirl]

In the hustle of the holiday season, December rings in another moment of questions for me.

Not just this December, but each and every December, the World AIDS Day rememberances and events roll around, and I'm out there, doing something. Protests, vigils, memorials, I do something. Sometimes I even plan the event that I'm at. Not this year. It's not that I couldn't or that I didn't want to, but I'm just tired. I'm tired of fighting.

I do this work for no reason that I know of other than I'm supposed to be doing it. If you've ever talked to anyone who has very strong spiritual ties, someone who's in the ministry perhaps...they might tell you how they were called to it, they just knew. Well that's the way this is. Sure, I've given the work I do second thoughts. But I can't see walking away from it. I'd be empty. And even if I'm not always doing it in the precise way that I do now, I think I'll somehow stay connected.

But I'm tired of fighting. It happens. People burn out all the time, they walk away and someone else picks up the slack. I know this fight was passed to me by other people, and I'm not walking away, not giving up, not passing it on, yet. But I'm tired of fighting, and feeling like I'm losing. I must be some masochist, beating my head against the proverbial wall all the time doing this. There are some great people who walked this path before me, doing things I can only imagine doing, hurdles and mountains far bigger than the ones I have to get beyond...there are great people now, working with me, much greater than I am, and there are great people who are learning to follow, who will carry on long after I'm not out there in the way I am now.

It's a bump in the road. I get this feeling sometimes...especially arond this time of year, when I realize how much I haven't done.

I don't do this for me anymore. I could walk away knowing what I already know and probably be just fine. But that's not enough. That's not enough for me anyway.

But when is it over? When is it enough, and when does it stop?

I'm tired. I want a vacation from fighting this fight. I want to not have to do it anymore...not to give it to someone else to keep doing it, to teach someone else how to do this, but over...gone, finished.

I said goodbye to the person who started me on this path, to the person who lit my fire. My fire is still burning...and sure, maybe it needs a bit of stoking at this point. It happens. I know that.

But when does this end? I can't go on fighting forever...and I can only hope there will always be people out there to do this.

Maybe it's just about hope. Hope that I'll get a break someday. Hope that maybe, someday, I won't have to think about getting a break because I'll be too busy celebrating.

Red ribbons don't save lives. They remind us that we still have work to do.

I'll get up and I'll go out there, and I'll do my part. And I'll keep doing it, until I can't do it anymore, or until there's no more work left to do.

And that's the day that I'm hoping for.

Comments

[nmc.livejournal.com]

I know.

(the rest of this is just expanding on that)

I do this work for no reason that I know of other than I'm supposed to be doing it. If you've ever talked to anyone who has very strong spiritual ties, someone who's in the ministry perhaps...they might tell you how they were called to it, they just knew.

It happens. The ministry is an oft-sided example, but it happens anywhere. I remember one time, at some God-awful hour of the early morning, when I'd been up for nearly 24 hours fighting something that just wasn't working out. It was cold, and I was cold in that way that you can only get when you're deeply exhausted, and I found that I was happy. Not giddy, not hysterical, just an overwhelming contentment. I couldn't figure it out. I'd just spent 12 hours in the same dinky computer lab. My wrists and shoulders were killing me. My eyes felt like they'd turned to stone. And then it just came to me. What I was doing, that was what I was meant to do. It was something I was good at, something that felt right. I never felt that with anything else, not even during my best performances as a musician. Just a simple joy in knowing that what you're doing is what you were meant to be doing.

I know how you feel now, too. It's hard. You get this vision of something in your head. "This is how it is now, but it should be like this." And when it doesn't happen, or things are getting worse rather than better (or even worse, not changing at all), it's hard not to throw up your hands and say "what's the use?" But at the same time, of course, you don't want to leave. You want to stay, in fact. Very much so. You just want to put the (metaphorical) load over there for a minute or two, stretch, shake out sore muscles, grab a class of water, hit the can and then get back to it.

Which, of course, is hard. I used to take an hour long walk every night, with a walkman or discman blaring something or other, just to get everything out of my head. Just for one hour. When I started having a car around, I'd go for long drives with the car speakers blaring. Every other weekend I'd disappear from my apartment one night from around 5pm until about 3am. Just driving randomly. For me, I needed loud music and movement. Loud music to keep me from thinking about things too much. Movement, I think, because sometimes a physical action can alieve the pressure when a metaphorical version isn't coming. So when I couldn't move some project forward, I'd move myself for awhile. It helped.

I don't know what you do. But whatever it is, do it. Take a day off. Or just an hour a day all week. Take the time and do something that has nothing to do with work, that eases the pressure a bit. Hope is wonderful stuff, but sometimes it's nice to boost it with a little something extra. You know, take that magic hope pill, but keep taking that daily multivitamin, too. It can't hurt.

Re: Letting go

[geminigirl]

See, I don't think I could ever have done what you did. Anyone who works in this field comes up with a way of coping with the constant head banging, underfunding, frustration that lives in this world with us. Sometimes, I cope better than others.

I think if I'd seen the data you did, that thing about the seven villages, I'd have found myself kicked into action again. Last night, over dinner aquariumgirl mentioned the rise in HIV infection rates among young men who have sex with men. And that excites me-not because it's good news, but because I look at that as a challenge, a question, something to think about in a new and innovative and different way than I've been doing what I do.

But you know...it all hurts. It hurts physically...stress gets to me, and emotionally...I get worn out about it. I could live without that part I think.

Re: Letting go

[geminigirl]

Drink and Dish...sounds like a good antedote to what I'm feeling.

Re: Letting go

[geminigirl]

Call or e-mail me the details for Sunday. And dress code. Thanks!

[sabbysteg.livejournal.com]

I want to work in a job like you do. I know there are frustrations, but how many people have you educated? How many people have you changed that you don't even know about?

I work in a real estate office as a secretary. It is tedious and boring and I don't feel like I do anything positive in this world. Of course, it's temporary, but I would love having a job where I feel like I'm contributing to the common good.

Anyway, that's all I wanted to say.

[geminigirl]

You're right. All of what you say is right, and I'm glad your eyes are looking at it. Sometimes the frustration, the stress...all of it gets caught up.

You really want to commit to working really hard for practically no money? More power to ya...I'm behind it all the way.

My advice? Pick out a couple of organizations/agencies that are really interesting to you, who are involved in causes that are near and dear to you. Figure out which one or ones you love so much that you could stop participating for fun sometimes, and do it because it's an obligation. (Yes, really. Much as I love this work, it's not always enjoyable. It kicks my butt sometimes.Today is a good example, if I explained to you what my day was like.) Then start volunteering. Get involved...get all the training you can about working in a not-for-profit environment, about the topics and activities that interest you-often for free. And when it's appropriate (as in, not immediately, but after you've developed some relationships) ask the paid and professional staff at the places you volunteer how to get involved professionally. Ask them where to look for related jobs (not necessarily jobs at that agency) locally. Put yourself out there-let them know you want to go pro. Volunteering provides you with a few things-it gets your name into the agency and the other agencies that are affiliated. (I got a great job one year because I'd volunteered for several years with one agency and when the director heard that this other agency was hiring, he called their director, talked me up a bit and I had an interview that day. In jeans and birkenstocks...no resume in hand, or anything.) It also gets you training, and lets you try out different kinds of positions to figure out what you're good at, what's a good fit for you and what you like and dislike.

Think long and hard about where you want to go with it. I know that at some point, probably not too far off, I'll be too old to do the specific kind of work I do now. I know I can move on into related positions and opportunities, and that's fine. It keeps me connected with where my passion is, and yet allows me to grow and develop.

Realize that you're making a lifestyle choice. Human services professionals are dramatically underpaid, and very often work very hard at what they do.

Expect frustration. Expect exhaustion. Expect confusion. And great rewards.

Re:

[sabbysteg.livejournal.com]

Thanks, that was great advice and great writing, it really almost made me cry.