Not Shaping Up as a Good Morning

Woke up half an hour late. I must have turned my alarm off this weekend...usually I leave it on so that I wake up at the same time on weekends as I do weekdays, even if I go back to sleep. Which I usually do.

Flood in the bathroom. Appears to be leaking from the back of the toilet. No answer yet at the maintenance office for the complex either.

Forgot inhaler and cell phone.

Not one but TWO accidents on the way here. Oddly enough, even with that it still took less time than the "alternate route."

Then, nearly got hit by a woman in a minivan who went right through a stop sign near an elementary school and community center.

Got to work, and about half an hour ago, the power went out.

Please let this day get better.

Burnout

Recent conversations with fj have him convinced that I'm burnt out and need a break.

I'm less convinced, but not entirely unconvinced.

I've been doing HIV work for 12 years. Since I was 16. And after 12 years, it's hard not to get frustrated. I come home many days and can feel work in my shoulders.

And yes. It's frustrating. So much about it is frustrating.

But the frustration is on two fronts...the very personal and the less so.

The personal part of frustrating is the office politics. The trying to live on what I make (which is at least 5-10k less than what someone with my degree should be making.) The crazy schedule which does get in the way of other things I might like to be doing. It's the overworked, underpaid, taken advantage of deal. I spend too much time in my car driving to and from sites.

My job isn't without love. I work with some wonderful people. I work with some great kids. I enjoy much of what I do. I'm just frustrated. Not enough to break yet. But enough to be really looking forward to my vacation. I felt this way last summer too...and actually looked forward to the week off I spent at my parents after my Dad's surgery. While other programs slow down a bit during the summer, mine tends to be very busy. It makes sense; there are lots of programs that have more time that needs to be filled. But it's exhausting.

And then there's the more global frustration. There's the part of me that is so angry and frustrated that the CDC is yanking virtually all the primary prevention money. They'll fund "prevention for positives" and in effect what they're saying is, "Get infected and then we'll tell you how to stay safe." It's just so full of blame to do things that way...it was different when we didn't know what we were dealing with, but prevention responsibilities have to fall on both positive and negative people. There's the part that is tired of reading about stuff like "safe sex fatigue" and reading articles like the one melebeth pointed me at over the weekend, about HIV in college students in North Carolina. Things like that. I'm tired sometimes of feeling like I'm not reaching my kids, like they're not listening, like they don't need to know cause they're not "that way" where that way is gay/using drugs/"slutty"/whatever.

I know burnout's pretty high in people who are in direct service. How can it not be? It's significantly reduced by supportive workplaces (and I have one) and taking regular vacations (I don't.) I haven't lost site of why I do this. I know why. But I am tired. I do need a break, and my two weeks off should help.

Maybe I just need a hug.