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Something I was responding to this morning made me decide to write down some stuff that I'd been thinking about for a while.
Part of my job, when talking about safer sex and harm reduction is to talk about abstinence. I'm totally okay with that part...I work hard to make sure it's not overwhelming, but to make clear the understanding that not having sex is the safest way to reduce risk. But I'm also supposed to talk about monogamy, and about limiting the number of partners you have. As someone who has made a conscious choice to have multiple relationships, and not be monogamous, I feel sort of weird sometimes about pushing this. I'm not in a monogamous relationship, or even any kind of closed poly relationship. It makes me feel kind of icky sometimes, to do that. If I've learned one thing by being a sexual outlaw, it's that no one thing is right for everyone. I understand the benefits of monogamy for some people, and by definition, my sexual behavior, as a nonmonogamous person should put me into a higher risk category (although many of the people I know who are in nonmonogamous relationships are incredibly committed to safer sex action plans that work for them, and they give a great deal of consideration to it.) It's just making me feel weird. It's not going to stop what I'm doing, either at work or in the rest of my life. People at work know my relationships aren't monogamous. And they've called me to task for it, and my response is often something about how I feel better when I have the possibility of intimacy with both men and women in my life, even if I'm not actively involved with both. (Which is true for me; I think my choices about monogamy are largely tied into how I express my bisexuality, but that's me, and not necessarily other people I know.) It's not the best way to explain the idea of being non-monogamous, but around here, it works reasonably well; as open to some things as they are here, alternative relationship styles still push the boundaries. (It was easier when I wasn't the only one in a nonmonogamous relationship, but the other person left recently.)
So yeah...I feel weird encouraging monogamy. I haven't had a monogamous relationship in more than ten years. I've even had some healthy non-monogamous relationships.
I struggled to become comfortable with my own desire for non-monogamous relationships...after several years of non-monogamous relationships that didn't include any form of honest communication about being non-monogamous, any discussion of safer sex practices (I've been pretty strict about my own, but one sided work only goes so far) any of the things that help create a healthy non-monogamous relationship. It was hard for me to get to a place where it felt okay. And you know, I was fortunate enough to stumble accross soc.bi, where I heard about people doing this in a healthy way, where I was exposed to the kinds of things that would help me sort out what worked and didn't for me, and how to create relationships that worked for me.
I suppose this just falls into the category of things to make choices about being out about.
Part of my job, when talking about safer sex and harm reduction is to talk about abstinence. I'm totally okay with that part...I work hard to make sure it's not overwhelming, but to make clear the understanding that not having sex is the safest way to reduce risk. But I'm also supposed to talk about monogamy, and about limiting the number of partners you have. As someone who has made a conscious choice to have multiple relationships, and not be monogamous, I feel sort of weird sometimes about pushing this. I'm not in a monogamous relationship, or even any kind of closed poly relationship. It makes me feel kind of icky sometimes, to do that. If I've learned one thing by being a sexual outlaw, it's that no one thing is right for everyone. I understand the benefits of monogamy for some people, and by definition, my sexual behavior, as a nonmonogamous person should put me into a higher risk category (although many of the people I know who are in nonmonogamous relationships are incredibly committed to safer sex action plans that work for them, and they give a great deal of consideration to it.) It's just making me feel weird. It's not going to stop what I'm doing, either at work or in the rest of my life. People at work know my relationships aren't monogamous. And they've called me to task for it, and my response is often something about how I feel better when I have the possibility of intimacy with both men and women in my life, even if I'm not actively involved with both. (Which is true for me; I think my choices about monogamy are largely tied into how I express my bisexuality, but that's me, and not necessarily other people I know.) It's not the best way to explain the idea of being non-monogamous, but around here, it works reasonably well; as open to some things as they are here, alternative relationship styles still push the boundaries. (It was easier when I wasn't the only one in a nonmonogamous relationship, but the other person left recently.)
So yeah...I feel weird encouraging monogamy. I haven't had a monogamous relationship in more than ten years. I've even had some healthy non-monogamous relationships.
I struggled to become comfortable with my own desire for non-monogamous relationships...after several years of non-monogamous relationships that didn't include any form of honest communication about being non-monogamous, any discussion of safer sex practices (I've been pretty strict about my own, but one sided work only goes so far) any of the things that help create a healthy non-monogamous relationship. It was hard for me to get to a place where it felt okay. And you know, I was fortunate enough to stumble accross soc.bi, where I heard about people doing this in a healthy way, where I was exposed to the kinds of things that would help me sort out what worked and didn't for me, and how to create relationships that worked for me.
I suppose this just falls into the category of things to make choices about being out about.
