(no subject)

[geminigirl]

We showed the VH1 documentary "AIDS: A Pop Culture History" to a bunch of our peer educators tonight. They liked it. I watched it and realized just how much of my life has been centered around HIV/AIDS, how much of my life has been shadowed by it, and how long it's really been a part of my experience. I think the peer educators (who were probably all between about 15 and 17) came away with a better understanding of what it was like then. People talk a lot about complacency in the post-cocktail era, and I know I see it. Good discussion about the video, we had some time to share our experiences, and perceptions of HIV and how they've changed (we're all in our mid to late 20s.) It didn't surprise me that the peer educators had vastly different feelings, but I wonder how much my own are in line with other people who are similar in age.

And you know what I came away with...a lot of wondering about whether it's worth it. Whether it matters anymore, whether I'm really doing what needs to be done, whether I could do better doing something else. I feel like I'm lacking the political action that used to inspire me, that I spend time fighting red tape in a different way.

What it all comes out of is frustration. I'm frustrated at my inability to do more, to make a bigger impact, to really know that what I'm doing is working. I know it matters, I know it's important-even more so now, when we're being bombarded with abstinence only messages, and less than precise information (checked out some of the CDC info lately?)

Some of me wishes I could be okay with apathy. That I could stop thinking about things this way. Some of me thinks I'd be unhappy if I did.

Some days are better than others. I love most of what I do. Sometimes I'm just frustrated.