A Rose by Any Other Name...

[geminigirl]

would still be confusing...

I know there are a bunch of married people who read my journal. And I know that some of the married people share names, and others don't, and that there are myriad reasons for choosing to change or not change ones name. I also realize that I have months before this actually becomes a big concern, but it's something I'm putting quite a bit of thought into...I know (from growing up with the name/initials I did) that names are in fact very important. So this is important to me...

(I'm interested in the whole range of opinions though...from married and non-married and people who plan on never being married and so on and so on.)

My initials are EGG. I could either get upset about this, or develop a sense of humor. I chose the second. Cayne's intials are ATG. This means that my initials don't change much should I decide to change my name when we get married.

If you're really interested in knowing real names, let me know and I'll send an e-mail. I won't post either of them on LJ.


What do I do about my name? I've narrowed it down to the following choices:

change my name so that we have the same last name

dont't change my name, and let us continue to have different last names

Add his last name to my current name and become EGGG, continue to use my current name professional, but use his name socially.

Use option three, but Cayne adds my current last name as a second middle name to his own. (This was Cayne's idea, by the way.)

Hyphenating doesn't work; there's just no way that sounds good to combine our names.

Cayne won't change his last name. This is okay with me. Culturally, we both were raised with the understanding that the woman changes her name when she gets married, and not the man...and so I think perhaps I grew up with different feelings about that possibilty than he did.

I realize that there are pros and cons to both sides...I've weighed them out, and come up with nothing. I've talked about it with Cayne and gotten his opinion on things. I've talked it over with aquariumgirl. I still don't know what to do. I know what my parents, and Cayne's parents expect me to do, but really...what does that have to do with anything, right?

Things I've considered:

as a feminist, what is the meaning and impact of chosing to take a husband's name?

what are the benefits of sharing a family name? of not sharing one?

are there practical issues that arise from sharing or not sharing the same name> (aquariumgirl and I discussed this a bit last night.)

if, in a sense, marriage means creating a new family that begins with Cayne and I, even though I'm not letting go of my own biological family, how is that influeced or affected by choosing to share one name, and in particular his name

I'm probably forgetting stuff, too.

The name I've had...it identifies who I've been for almost 30 years. It's part of who I am now...I don't know what it says about the person I'll be in the future. It's important, and I am, admittedly, kind of attached to it. My famly carries this name, and it does say something about who I am...and I don't want to let go of it too much, if at all.

So I'm throwing this out for feedback from you all. Opinions on name changing? Pros, cons, reasons, yes no?

I don't have to decide. I just want input to think about it.

Comments

[deza.livejournal.com]

When I got married, I took his name so my name would be the same as the kids'. It does make it easier in dealing with schools, since they will call you be the kids' last name no matter what you're stated name may be.

Of course, now that I'm thinking about marriage #2, I just want to divest myself of the ex's name. I may even see about changing the kids' last name, too.

[minikin.livejournal.com]

Heee hee hee. At my recent sleepover (for Tigger, my youngest), one of the kids called me Ms Tigger (where I'm really referring to his actual name here) all weekend.

Round here, we get called Tigger's mom or Critter's mom more often than any other name.

But we have the advantage of sending our kids to private school, which publishes a directory, which puts in both parents' names pretty clearly.

[jpallan.livejournal.com]

Ditto. I was joining my husband and his daughter, and they had the same name, and feeling a part of the family, plus he was very adamant about my taking his name.

As part of the divorce, I changed my name back. I do not intend to change it again when I remarry, but I do intend for future children to have their father's name, unless I'm doing it as a single mom.

I think it's a very variable thing, depending on what feminist ideal you wish to subscribe to.

[9thmoon.livejournal.com]

I have been married twice; I changed my name to his, the first time and took my name back after the divorce, and now I've been married a second time and kept my own name. Realise that I'm coming at this question from that angle - my first marriage was a bad one (obviously or there would have been no divorce) and I felt as though I subsumed my entire self into him when I gave up my name to become, essentially, his property. Or his family. I was not myself the whole time we were married, name-wise or emotionally.
There were also a lot of expectations that came with the name. There was a very real attitude from his family that "You're one of us, now, and we do things *this way*" that I resented. Again, it could have just been him and his family, and maybe changing my name didn't have anything to do with it.

I just know that I felt an overwhelming sense of relief and pride at reclaiming my identity when I took my nane back. That was the best part of the divorce for me, seeing my name and knowing it represented me.

I'm looking at marriage now as more of a partnership than I used to see it, and that means there should be some fairness. Ie: if he won't change his name, I won't either. If he will, so will I, and we'll both change to something we choose together. There are a lot of benefits to sharing the same last name but at the same time, I'd rather raise awareness in the Americas that two people can be married and not share a last night (most cultures don't follow this practice).

My husband is the last of his "line", however, and doesn't wish to change his name, and, well, I like his last name. It suits him. So I've kept mine and he's kept his. If we have children, we'll give one my last name and one his. I am a big believer in chosen family and intentional family and in that case, names are less important than relationships.
That's just how it worked out for me, and I'm very happy with it.

not that this will ever actually affect me

[margoeve.livejournal.com]

But I've given much thought to it anyway.

I wouldn't change my name. A big part of this is because the person who this even comes close to being an option with has an even more unpronouncable one than the one I have already.

I don't use my last name often in social context anyway. In professional context, I'd keep it because, as you have said, it has been my identity for the past howevermany years.

The taking of the husbands last name, to me, is still symbolic of becoming the property of the husband. I know too much about gender communication to think of it any other way. At least we don't give up our first names too anymore. I think it would be even more identity stripping to become Mrs. Cayne Whateverhislastnameis as women did in the past.

Now, if he were to change his name, and we both add our names to each other as a symbol of partnership, that might be a little different. I'd still rather take on his first name though ;-). Margo Eve 'Elkor' S--------------------------- isn't so bad. :-D

Re: not that this will ever actually affect me

[geminigirl]

Cayne did suggest that he take on my last name as as second middle name, the same way I would if I changed my last name. Which is an interesting option since hyphenating doesn't work for us. And in that sense, there is the idea of partnership going on. In some ways I'm more comfortable with that idea than any of the others. Our names are both about equally difficult to pronounce...I can't figure out how my six letter last name gets so much confusion.

It's important to me to keep my current name professionally because that's the name that I'm established under.

Re: not that this will ever actually affect me

[margoeve.livejournal.com]

Remind me to tell you Elkor's last name off LJ and you can see how a 5 letter last name screws EVERYONE up.

Re: not that this will ever actually affect me

[geminigirl]

I will remind you...since I must see you before I depart here.

[dindin.livejournal.com]

Okay, here are my thoughts. I didn't choose my given last name, I was just born with it. So from that respect, it's not such a big thing.

From a feminist standpoint...it's never been that huge a deal to me. I just think there are more important issues than my last name. If your identity is very wrapped up in your name, then it may be more important to you.

Honestly (don't laugh), I decided that when (if) I meet my future husband, I'll see if he has a better last name than mine and decide that way. xD

The whole personal/professional different last name thing never appealed to me. The hypen thing never appealed to me. I can't believe in this day and age it's *so* confusing to have two parents with different last names.

So, yeah. That's my $.02.

[geminigirl]

I'm not laughing at you wrt the last name being better than yours.

Totally not. Because I thought all my life that I'd be able to get rid of the whole EGG thing when I got married.

What was I thinking?

[dindin.livejournal.com]

There are 26 letters in the alphabet. You had every reason to think you would get rid of it. Poor girl. :)

I dunno. Maybe when I get married I'll suddenly feel more attached to my last name, but really I'm just looking for something that sounds good :)

[geminigirl]

Yeah, I supposed I had a 1/26 chance of keeping it. Not bad odds, maybe Vegas?

[katishna.livejournal.com]

Well, what I did was drop my given middle name (jennifer is way common anyway, not like i was losing a lot there!) and added his name onto the end of it all. So instead of Kate Jennifer Maiden, I'm Kate Maiden Married. No hyphen. I got told by my mom that losing my maiden name would be bad since I was the last descendent with that name. I'm still the last, as we didn't pass it to our son, but oh well. :)

Besides if you're EGG now, and he's a G, you'd still be EGG that way, and those are kickass initials :)

[rivka.livejournal.com]

I think that was the traditional way. My mother always signed her name "Firstname Initial-of-maiden-name Husband'sname."

[geminigirl]

One of the strangest conversations I had after getting engaged, was the conversation with my mother about how all my life I'd been told not to worry about my initials cause they'd change when I got married, and in fact that wasn't the case.

I'd probably have less trouble with this if he had a different last initial, and I'd probably give up the EGG much more easily.

[rdhdsnippet.livejournal.com]

Funny... if Scherz's last initial had not been the same as mine, I honestly don't think I would have changed my name. I had/have much more sense of 'ownership' of my initials than of my actual surname.

Then again, the initials have been the same on my maternal side up to my great grandmother, so that could have something to do with it.

[rivka.livejournal.com]

Honestly, I never even considered changing my name. There were rationalizations - I'd already published scientific articles under my own name, "Dr. Nutt" is a terrible name for a psychologist, and so on. But it all came down to this: my name is my name. It's part of my identity. It's always been my name. Why would I change it? It's my name.

The symbolic strike against the patriarchy wasn't a big factor for me. My reaction wasn't, "How dare you attempt to assert your dominance and ownership over me, you emblem of male supremacy!", it was more like "Well, that's a bizarre custom. Why would I want to do that?" There didn't seem to be a good reason. (Not to open up a contentious can o' worms in your journal, but we've decided not to circumcise for an analogous reason: not because we think it's psyche-scarring abusive butchery, but because, not being Jewish, we can't really think of a good reason why we should.)

Can of worms cracked

[margoeve.livejournal.com]

Being Jewish, I still don't think it's a good thing to circumcised in general, but especially just "because" that's what we in America do.

And I got really ticked off at my cousin who had her child circumcised in the hospital "because he's jewish" rather than by a Mohel durring a Bris. If your going to do it for religious reasons, don't take the religious ritual out of it otherwise there IS no justification for it at all and it IS just butchery.

[geminigirl]

You can open up a contentious can of worms about circumcision in my journal. Cayne and I have already had conversations about it, and even being Jewish I have difficulty wrapping my head around it, particularly since I've had uncircumcised partners. That said, my take on it has largely been "I don't have a penis. I've never been responsible for taking care one, with or without a foreskin, and I'm differently equipped to make a good decision about that than someone who is a penis-owner, and has been since birth." I think whatever we decide, the choice will be weighted heavily in favor of what Cayne thinks is a good idea, because he probably knows better than I do what's involved.

As for the name thing...I agree with you that Dr. Nutt would probably be as bad a name for a psychologist as Dr. Beaver was for a gynecologist. It is my name, and a part of who I am. You know, all the talk about why labels are bad and whatnot, and how the most accurate label for me is my name.

In a time where I don't become the property of my husband when I get married, it does seem kind of odd to take his name. It's important to him, and he'd like it if I did, and I do very much respect that. And that does matter, and will certainly play into my decision making about it.

I have a while to make this decision. I'm sure I'll probably change my mind a few hundred times in the next few months. That's my perrogitive.

[rivka.livejournal.com]

It's important to him, and he'd like it if I did, and I do very much respect that.

Ah. Your original post didn't include that information.

In my book, that potentially qualifies as a good reason to change. Michael didn't care, so that didn't have any influence on my own decision.

[geminigirl]

Ah. Your original post didn't include that information.

No, it didn't. I didn't want that to unduly influence any answers I might get. And I do tend to agree with you that it is a good reason.

I question though, whether I'm letting his desire influence my own choice too much. It's a lot like the stuff we were talking about a few months ago, about the lesbian porn and all that. Am I making a choice that's right for me, or am I doing it because it's what I'm supposed to do.

[scherzoid.livejournal.com]

It could be worse... his name could end with "O" and you could decide to hyphenate. :)

Seriously, I'm not a big fan of women changing their name when getting married. It's partially a feminism thing I suppose -- women aren't chattel. But I think a lot of it is that I view marriage a bit differently than most of society (partially because I'm poly, but for other reasons, too). To me, marriage is a (hopefully lifelong) partnership, but not a merger. I married my wife because of who she was (and is) -- and I don't want that independent identity to go away.

That said, I fully supported rdhdsnippet's decision to change her name when we got married, and her reasons for doing so.

[geminigirl]

Or it could start with S...in which case I'd end up as EGGS.

(Perhaps I really am just all cracked up.)

Anyway...

I can understand some of the reasons why rdhdsnippet felt strongly about changing her last name, and they certainly make a lot of sense.

The merger idea make sense...and that's part of why I'm reluctant to give up my name...it's not a takeover, it's a merger, and, like the giant pharmaceutical companies know, keeping the name around is important (although they change names after a while usually, but that's not the point here.)

I think I'm uncomfortable taking his last name in totality and having it be the end of mine, and there's a part of me that likes the compromise of adding my name to his as a second middle name. That way, neither name disappears entirely, and we both get a piece of the other. It happens to come off the tongue more easily if you put my name first...

[datagoddess.livejournal.com]

When Dan and I got married, I was just starting my second career (the one I have now). I started using his last name professionally before we were married so people wouldn't have to deal with the name change.

I never considered doing anything else, but I was raised in a "traditional" family - taking his last name was just something that was done.

My initials went from AMP to AMA, which wasn't much of an improvement. Although my initials using my nickname went from TP to TA, which are both bad ;-)

If I were to do it again, I would probably keep my name, simply because it's easier for most people to spell. It never occured to me that his last name was that hard to spell, but it's very close to another word, and most people just can't get it right.

To be honest, I don't have an emotional attachment to either name. One way or the other, I am who I am, no matter which name I use. That might have something to do with using a nickname my entire life, so I'm used to having varied names depending on the situation. (anything legal I use my legal name on, anything more causal I use Toni)

[shirleym.livejournal.com]

I've gotten married twice, and made different choices each time.

The first time, I changed my name. Even as a feminist, at the time it didn't seem right to me for us not to have the same last name--the whole starting a new family consisting of the two of us thing--and while we discussed briefly both changing our names, it wasn't a real option. Also, I identified my last name as being my father's, not mine, and I figured if I was going to have a man's last name, it might as well be a man I chose.

Then we got divorced, and I went back to my own name.

By the time I got married the second time, my name was really mine, and I didn't want to change what I use professionally or socially. But we wanted our names to reflect our connection, so we chose a new middle name, which we share. This was made easier by the fact that our middle initials were already the same, and the new middle name starts with that letter. The symbolism of this to me is very powerful--my secret name reflects my connection to my partner, while my public name identifies the person I've always been.

It's possible that name differences would be an issue if we had kids. The main impact it's had on us is that occasionally we forget whose name a reservation is under, and are puzzled by the (restaurant/hotel/etc.)'s inability to find it until it occurs to us "Maybe it's under ...". Oh, and his sister sometimes addresses cards wrong. We've not had to deal with hospitals (fortunately!), but have had no trouble with banks or local, state, or national government.

Not sharing a family name used to make it easier to identify telemarketers, back before the do-not-call list. Anyone asking for Ms. Hisname or Mr. Myname was automatically suspect. It also meant far less paperwork--my driver's license, social security card, credit cards, memberships, etc. did not need to be updated.

By the way, I remember having been told Cayne's actual name once, but have forgotten what it was.

[posthaste.livejournal.com]

I took Chris' last name when we got married. Truth be told I was more than happy to ditch my maiden name. Although now that I have to spell my last name to strangers all. the. time... ;)

[nearlymay.livejournal.com]

i never understand this. why would you change your name? you are not becoming him, you are not an offshoot of his body, and it's not like you don't already have a name of your own. the name-changing practice is leftover from the time when women didn't work, spent all day at home or running errands for the family, and were basically seen as appendages to their husbands. there is no reason to classify yourself like that, at least, not that i can see.

[rdhdsnippet.livejournal.com]

Yet, as devil's advocate: Why is it better to keep my father's name than take that of the person I choose to marry?

[aliki.livejournal.com]

Might sound strange in the context of how Americans are raised, but as an Asian, my father will always be the first man in my heart. He raised me, he made me who I am today, he paid for my college education, and I know he'll continue to love me unconditionally.

Not to be pessimistic, but given one in every two marriages end in divorce, I know my father will love me no matter what.

[minikin.livejournal.com]

We got married when I was still 19, and before my senior year at Rice. I have always planned to be a stay-at-home mom (we don't stay at home, mind you), but since any career establishment would be made after I was married anyway, I chnaged my name. My diploma has all four of my names on it: First Middle Maiden Married, as does my transcript.

These days I sign with First Middle Married, because I was used to First Middle for so long.

I can get away with using Flar's credit cards (even those where I'm not on the account) because my last name is the same -- but that's getting rarer, with increased awareness of identity theft.

But I still have to flash my power of attorney when it really counts. ;)

I still smile at people who ask me if I'm related to so-and-so -- and then explain that I married into the name.

[geminigirl]

I was actually going to ask if you and Flar had the same last name, after I read your other comment, but I walked away from my desk and returned to this!

Thanks.

[nmc.livejournal.com]

As katishna did, my mother made her maiden name her middle name and changed her last name to my father's last name. My middle name is also her maiden name, by the way, which struck me as a better way to do middle names than random second first names (foolsmarchin's middle name is a family name from our father's side).

On the other hand, I'm pretty sure she didn't have a middle name before marriage, which means she went from 2 to 3 rather than from 3 to 4 or dropping a name.

Given that your initials will be EGG or EGGG or something like that unless you both change your last names to something completely different, I suspect that initial-wise it's not going to matter what you choose.

If you do want to change your name, and if professional publications and such are a concern, I'd think E G G[his] G[yours] would strike a nice balance.

As for the rest, I'd imagine that not changing your name will probably cause confusion for others (particularly when you have kids), but that'd be good for them. As for the feminism angle, well, I can't and don't want to speak definitively, but if you did E G G[his] G[yours] and he did A T G[yours] G[his], it seems like all the relevant concerns would be answered.

*shrug*

I admit I've never put a lot of thought into this. I just sort of figured that if I got married to someone, I'd probably change my name to A C [theirs] W (more likely, as I'll have publication concerns) or A C W-[theirs], unless they really didn't want either of us keeping their last name (the one time I had a conversation about this with someone I was seriously dating, they really didn't want their last name kept around).

I've also met a bunch of married couples who did not change their last names and were perfectly happy with it (and often strongly of the opinion that it was the Right Way To Do Things). I've always liked the symbolism of taking each other's names, though.

[aelf.livejournal.com]

My thoughts...

I changed my name because my husband and I were becoming a family, and last names are culturally one of the things we use to indicate family units.

I think hyphenating is stupid.

Unless both people hate their last names, it doesn't make sense to me for both people to change their last names. And in my case, I replaced my last name with his last name, dropped my first name, and moved my middle name to my first name.

I don't see how keeping your father's last name is any super-feministy thing to do. If taking the last name of your husband is a property thing, how is keeping the last name of your father *not* a property thing?

My husband and I sharing a last name, and our child having that last name, has definitely made some things easier.

My SIL did not take my brother's last name, but their child has his last name. I find addressing cards and the like to them to be confusing. (Can't use "The X family, because she's not X ...", etc.)

Having different last names these days doesn't seem to be any big deal. On the other hand, I've gotten, erm, lectured (for want of a better word) by several people for changing my last name.

We don't have wedding rings and I don't have an engagement ring. We got married by a JP. Different things matter to different people. :)

[rdhdsnippet.livejournal.com]

"And in my case, I replaced my last name with his last name, dropped my first name, and moved my middle name to my first name."

And for this you were my hero! :o) Seriously, I would NEVER have thought of 'fixing' my name to be what I wanted it to be had you not done so.

[aelf.livejournal.com]

*laugh* It's a great time to do it all, though, isn't it? :)

[cyan-blue.livejournal.com]

I like a variant on this one:

Cayne adds my current last name as a second middle name to his own. (This was Cayne's idea, by the way.)

You could each add the other's last name on as a second middle name.

I know couples who have done similarly, and it seems fairest.

Kids-wise, you could go with the spanish tradition of the girls retaining the maternal-line name and the boys retaining the paternal...

[rdhdsnippet.livejournal.com]

Well, I think you know the thought process behind my changing my name... it made no sense to keep the name of an abusive father over the name of a loving husband in the name of progress. Around the time I got engaged, I had seriously been considering changing my last name to my mother's family name anyway.

Oddly, I was dead set against changing my name when the guy I dated before Scherz and I were contemplating marriage. Mostly, I think, because he was so insistent I should. Minorly because it just didn't feel like it should be my name.

I still, incidentally, get a HUGE kick out of seeing myself referred to as 'Mrs. Scherzoid". It makes me feel all newly married every single time - and really, that's not a bad thing.

I don't really have any advice for you other than to do what feels right. Names are hugely important to us, and you should like yours. And don't forget, you can change any or all parts of your name and so can Caine.

[messyjessy.livejournal.com]

If I ever get married I plan to take my husband's last name. I don't like mine & have no attachments to it.

I think taking your husband's last name makes it easier if you plan to have children. But that's really the only practical reason I can think of.

Oh, here's something interesting ... my sister-in-law's new initials are EAR.

[wait.livejournal.com]

I did not change my name. I didn't have any strong feelings either way, so it seemed like a bother to change it. Also, I was between jobs, and I knew it would be confusing to switch when it came time for a reference check.

That said?

I might change my name later. When we have kids? Perhaps. I might have feelings then.

The only "problem" I've ever had with not switch my name is some of the mail we get from friends and family with the wrong last name on it. It doesn't bother me at all. I'm not offended by their assumption.

I hadn't realized Cayne's name was also a "G". I'm not fond of hyphenating, unless it sounds smart and sassy. There's not much worse that seeing a Mary Claire Krazinksi-Wiesenblaum.

If you're at a place where the initials don't bother you, I would have 4 names. First, Middle, YourLast, HisLast. Professionally, go by First YourLast HisLast. No hyphen. Use YourLast as a 2nd middle name. At some point you might decide to drop it, but you haven't gone through the legal hassle of hyphenation.

And if you really want to pass on YourLast to your kids, give it to them as a 2nd middle name.

[aliki.livejournal.com]

I actually share many sentiments that wait does. I did not change my name, largely because I did not feel strongly about it either way and the process of legally changing my name would be a hassle (S/S, driver's licence, bank account, credit cards, passports... UGH!)

I don't get offended when people call me by his last name. I do get offended when people say "but why didn't you? Doesn't everybody!?"

[schillerium.livejournal.com]

I think it's really unfortunate that the weight of cultural tradition forces women to put so much more thought into these things than men have to, but I understand entirely how complex a decision it can be.

As practical issues go, the first one that comes to mind is that there will always be people who address you as Mrs. Cayne's-surname no matter which name you actually use. Sometimes (http://www.rabble.ca/auntie_com.shtml?x=30384) they'll even be family members.

At the same time, I don't personally think that sharing a surname is what defines a family. (For example, how would a same-sex couple do it?) It certainly signals to other people that you're a family unit, but the recognition of others isn't what defines the fact that you are a family unit -- that's defined by the commitments you choose to make to each other.

If it's important to him, and if he's willing to take your surname as a second middle name, then option three-plus might be the simplest option. Whether it's the best option, though, is for you to decide.

[whobunkyboo.livejournal.com]

I once worked with a teacher who came up with the most unique solution to this problem that I have ever heard. When she and her husband got married, it was the law in British Columbia that the woman HAD to change her name. However, she did not want to take his name, and she did not want to keep her own. She went to court and petitioned for the right, since she was required to go through a legal change of name upon her marriage, to CHOOSE her own last name. She picked her maternal grandmother, who had been a suffragette in Scotland in the early part of the last century.

As a result of her case, women in BC got the right to choose whether to take their husband's name upon their marriage.

[mskathy.livejournal.com]

Well, having a child, everyone assumes my last name is the same as hers (and in my case, it is). I think it would be frustrating not to share a last name, these days even the same sex couples I know (there are at least two at S's school, and at least two that shop my store pretty routinely) share a common last name.

I wasn't attached to my last name at all, mostly because I felt betrayed by my father anyways, and he DID see it as a symbol of ownership, so I wanted to get rid of it as soon as I could. I questioned myself about changing the last name, but I think I personally made the right choice. I love Matt's family, and I feel honored to share a last name with them, and honored that when I pass down my scrapbook, I'll be linked with their heritage as well. Of course, that will happen no matter if I had changed my name or not.

[slinkr.livejournal.com]

All my nicknames are based on my last name, so there would be a devastating ripple effect if I changed it. Kelly and I have discussed a few possibilities and so far nothing really works. I might be slightly more willing to consider her last name if it wasn't so blatantly non-Jewish-sounding. She's not going to take my last name because then she'd be Klinker.

My father, who never had a middle name, took my mother's name as his middle name when they got married. My siblings and I all got it as a middle name too. That seems to have worked out fairly well.

My aunt kept her name when she got married. She got married slightly later in life than my mother did and was more established in her career when she got married. Recently, I had to address an envelope to my aunt, my uncle and my cousins. I had to stop and think about how to word it because it was 3 people with his last name and one with hers. It was a little unwieldy, but that's not a real argument for giving up one's name.

One of my friends recently changed her name again. She got married shortly after college and took her husband's name. She kept it when they got divorced, at least 6 or 7 years ago, because she didn't really want her old name back. When she moved to Boston, most people didn't know she was divorced, so it was really her name. Now she's going back to the name she grew up with.

[sweet-tea79.livejournal.com]

I've thought about similiar things...being in medical school puts me in an odd predicament because after I'm liscensed, I can't change my name...the medical liscencing board just won't allow it. This suits me just fine because I am very attached to my initials...Sarah is an insanely common name and most of my friends called me SAW all through college. I also really like my middle name and don't want to give it up. If I used the boy's last initial, I could be SAN or SAWN, but I still am really attached to SAW. However, it's not an issue right now.

However, I've always liked the idea of having the same last names as my husband and my kids. I like the idea that it shows one family unit. The actual name itself doesn't matter much to me...my name, his name, a combo of the two...whatever. I just like everyone having the same name. Most likely, I'm going to professionally be Dr. Maiden, but socially will be called Mrs. Married.

I realize that this doesn't really help you much. Sorry! :-P

[aliki.livejournal.com]

I was away for the weekend, so here's my late post:

Personally, as a feminist and Asian, I couldn't see taking his last name. (1) East Asian females don't change their names at marriage, so every female relative I have (my mother, my grandmother, my great-grandmother, and every aunt I have) never took their husband's name, so it's a very foreign concept for me. (2) Taking his name to symbolize being married to him when he doesn't have to take mine to indicate he is married reeks.

I LOVE this option:
Use option three, but Cayne adds my current last name as a second middle name to his own. (This was Cayne's idea, by the way.)

I don't like hypenating either. Names just get longer and longer. What happens when Jones-Smith marries Rodriguez-Gonzalez? And so forth and so forth?

As a feminist, what is the meaning and impact of chosing to take a husband's name?
Someone emailed me to argue that unless I took my husband's name, my wedding ring wasn't enough a symbol of my fidelity to him. THat really bugged me, and has been a big issue for me to take his name.

What are the benefits of sharing a family name? of not sharing one?
A lot of married females say that taking his name would make things "easier" but just because something is easy doesn't make it right (I'm not saying it's wrong either-- I just dont think it should be a reason). Some say that they want to feel connected to their children, but I can't see using that reason without simultaneously seeing it as a severance from my family (my parents and my sister). Using the reason that I'll take his name so we'll be more of a family would have to also mean that I'm less of a family with my parents and sister.

Are there practical issues that arise from sharing or not sharing the same name
Yes. Several times when I say I'm his wife, people ask "so how come you have different last names?" Most just assume I took his name.

if, in a sense, marriage means creating a new family that begins with Cayne and I, even though I'm not letting go of my own biological family, how is that influeced or affected by choosing to share one name, and in particular his name
Oh. I didn't get this far in reading your post before I started typing about letting go of my biological family. Yes, this is something I thought of too when I chose not to change my name. (Sorry for typing what you typed).

[meimeigo7696.livejournal.com]

This is an interesting thread!

As an East Asian, I guess I wasn't familiar with the idea of not taking the husband's name after marriage. Part of that is because I was born and raised in the US and my parents grew up in the Philippines, which was heavily influenced by the West. So the assumption that the other East Asian women in my family not taking their husband's names seemed very foreign to me since all of the married females in my family took their husband's names.

I ended up taking my husband's name, not because I wanted to be traditional by Western standards, but because my family of origin decided to change their surname back to their ancestral surname. So the surname I was born with no longer existed! The irony is that the rest of my family changed their surname only weeks after I got married. Talk about feeling disowned!

But the best part of changing my name to my husband's is that his name is a heck of a lot more easier to pronouce and spell than my maiden name anyway. Since I have not published anything with my maiden name in academia (except for one paper where I was second auther) and I don't plan to publish or teach in academia, I didn't mind the name change. Pluse my husband's name sounds more Asian than my original surname anyway.