Truthfully...

[geminigirl]

Part of a response I wrote elsewhere this morning...

"It pains me that you (or any person) feels the need to fake interest in sex, or fake orgasms. I think it can be really harmful to a relationship-dishonesty in other areas of a relationship is, for most people, unacceptable...why do so many people feel it's okay in the bedroom?"

I know there were times when I was younger, and didn't have the self-awareness or self-confidence to speak up as much when I faked interest. But at some point, I realized or I learned that it caused more harm than good, that having sex when I didn't feel like it, or having sex and faking it to get it over with was wrong for me, and my partner. I'm glad I came to that place, but I wonder about people who choose to fake it. In most cases...what's the benefit?

Comments

[vvalkyri.livejournal.com]

perhaps a misguided feeling that it will make the other person happy.

[aliki.livejournal.com]

I think it's near impossible to not find something "unperfect" in a person because we're all fallible and flawed. For example, I love my husband to death, he's a great companion and he's intelligent and makes me laugh, etc. but I hate HATE that he is a smoker. So simiarly, sometimes you find someone who is "almost-perfect" in many aspects but you're just not sexually compatible, no matter what you try. Sometimes it's less hurtful to just fake the orgasm *once* in a while.

Another benefit-- if you ahve someone jackhammering you to death and you repeatedly tell them to try something else and they wont listen, just fake it, roll him off, and run.

[danger-chick.livejournal.com]

I don't, as a policy, fake orgasms and never fake interest. Every once in awhile in my longer term relationships, I do have every once in a while moments of, "You want to have sex now? I've been asleep for four hours.... You aren't planning on letting me go back to sleep and I can't convince you that you should just beat off? OK, I guess we can have sex."

[koyote.livejournal.com]

One thing almost NEVER mentioned is frequency.

Once in a while, to be nice to your partner, to provide comfort, whatever. WHY exactly is this wrong?


The dishonesty rant never fails to make me wonder. Do people who talk about this incessantly NEVER grease the rails of a relationship? do they ALWAYS say "oh, hey, you look like crap, go change"? Do they ALWAYS say "yeah,t he food sucks. Won't kill me, but I'm only humoring you in eating it."?


Honesty in a relationship is not a simple binary issue. (to be a binary issue there would have to be NO hidden motives in communication, no attempt to influence another, and a complete apprehension of absolute objective truth. Since I've never seen any of these, let alone all of them, in any but extremely isolated cases, I can't say I buy it.)

Okay, faking interest or orgasm all the time could be harmful (again, there could be cases where it isn't, like as part of a deconditioning program.) and probably is harmful. But people seem to address this in absolute terms as a regular thing, when there is a whole continuum.

Hell, I've experienced times when faking interest for a few minutes generates real interest.


So, why is this? Probably because people have these huge mental masses around sex. Somehow, faking interest for your spouse on occasion is enormously more foul than faking interest in work daily.

and there's your baited rant :)

[aliki.livejournal.com]

I will stand up next to you and agree wholeheartedly!

I dont understand the "dishonesty" rant either-- do you say "yes, you look fat in that dress" or "that haircut you just got is hideous"? I think some truths are just too cruel between lovers.

[fj.livejournal.com]

You get to leave earlier without dissapointment when it is obvious this trick won't get you off and just looking at the decor has become old.

[therealocelot.livejournal.com]

I, perhaps unsurprisingly, agree with koyote on this :) Faking interest when the relationship is doomed anyways? Pretty dumb. Faking interest on occasion during a period of physiological low libido? Different story entirely.

That said, I can't imagine being partners with someone where I felt I had to fake orgasm rather than saying "This isn't working for me, let's stop/change what we're doing."

[cmariewt.livejournal.com]

Hmmm, that makes a very good point.

I have always believed that you are shorting yourself by faking, not saying that I am innocent in it. If they think what they are doing is getting you off, they will continue to do it. Then it is no one's fault but your own for letting it continue.

Hmm...