I have tomato soup and Mama guilt

[geminigirl]

I'm not blogging about the Snowpocalypse, though I wasn't entirely surprised to find both my parents home this afternoon when I called to thank them for the latest box of Grandparent Guilt that arrived for Valentine's Day.

(I should explain that my parents feel a little guilt that they're so far away from the grandchildren, and so we often get packages from my Mom of trinkets and treasures that I'd never buy nor would she have bought for us as kids, but that she sends for my kids. I totally understand the Grandparent Guilt, and so, despite the fact that there's no real need for most of the things my mother sends, I accept them graciously and let the girls enjoy them. I do try to provide a little guidance towards things we want when I have the opportunity, and sometimes it even works, too.)

I'm kind of wishing Naomi could have had the opportunity to play in some of this snow, and to sled in it. We'll take her ice skating when her feet are big enough to rent skates-the RDV Sportsplex rents them in a size 8, and Naomi is probably about a 5 right now.

I'm enjoying some tomato soup and typing with two hands-both girls are sleeping. I have a little Mama Guilt today though because Miri cried herself to sleep while I was tending to Naomi, who so often is the one who has to wait while I tend to Miri. But it's okay, I remind myself. I wasn't abandoning Miri for a selfish reason, or to make her learn to comfort herself, I let her cry because I am human and one person with two hands and can only do so many things at once.

Mama Guilt, however, extends far beyond letting Miriam cry for a bit longer than usual today...it's mostly about Naomi. I look at her now and I feel terrible about how I parented her in the early months, when I was so overwhelmed with depression. I couldn't bond with her, love her, cuddle her the way I have with Miriam, and while I don't love Miriam more than Naomi or Naomi more than Miri, what I'm able to give of myself to Miri is worlds apart from what I could give Naomi in her first few months. And I am sad and guilt about it, and about what I couldn't give her. Or didn't give her. And I know it's my baggage not hers-she will probably never know the difference. I do love her very deeply, and she's terrific. I'm enjoying her toddlerhood, watching her grow and change. I'm charmed by the things she's learning-letters, animal sounds, and the things that she's saying now; she's picked up the phrase "Here we go," which we say in our yoga class every week. She showed off and said it this morning, which made other people giggle. She's an amazing kid and considering how distant I was for her first few months, I really can't say that I did much to nurture it. I just want to hug her til I can't anymore.

I am looking forward to things...my parents visit next week, assuming they don't get snowed in the day before they leave, possibly attending the Barbara Harper Conscious Birth workshop later this month, the end of crunch time at work and the week we get to spend together as a family when it's over, and things like that. I have a great family, and I'm grateful for them.

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[erinmdmd.livejournal.com]

Part of my emotional breakdown yesterday was related to looking through Raina's infant photos. I didn't realize how bad it was until now, when I'm parenting an infant and am not sick. I just want to hold my little girl tight and apologize over and over.