(no subject)

[geminigirl]

I was chatting the other day with someone I'd met recently, and somehow the topic of what I was doing when I found out we were moving to Florida came up. And the person asked how I felt about what I'd given up (career, PhD, etc,) for Andrew to follow his job. It was incredibly freeing to answer in a brutally honest way, without any consideration about how this person might have thought about me or Andrew, or how my honesty might affect Andrew or Andrew's job or anything like that most of the time, I'm okay with it but sometimes, I am filled with rage and resentment over it.

I hate the feeling of not knowing what I want to do or how to do it. I feel so completely at loose ends and directionles when I think about what to do once some of the overwhelming projects that have been put off get done. I'm not even sure what I'm good at anymore.

And to completely swerve here, I never thought there would be a cat I could love like Beta. He was special. A little less than two years ago, we adopted Rocket though. He was supposed to be "the kids' cat" but he attached himself to me. And I feel so much warmth towards him, and joy. He's my cat, for sure, and I really enjoy that feeling.

Too bad my life doesn't have that kind of clarity.

Comments

[tisiphone.livejournal.com]

I understand that frustration. I'm still a year and five months away from being able to get funding for my PhD, and it's really hard to slog through it. All the other things I do are just deflection, and I can't help but feel a teeny bit resentful that if I were somewhere else I wouldn't have this problem. So, you're not alone.