And She Was...

Cayne is in Florida, and I'm looking forward to his return. I'm sort of wondering what to do with myself next weekend when he's in Ottawa having a bachelor party.

My knee is less painful than it was before. I'm starting to get worried about the cyst-like thing on my breast. It's been there for weeks and weeks and weeks, it's not painful. It did drain white fluid at one point (or I'd probably be a lot more worried about a red lump) and it's gotten smaller but it hasn't gone away. I'll schedule my annual with the gyn soon, and let her look at it.

Oblivion got outside today. It's definitely Spring, and therefore time to find her a good window with a solid screen in it, so I can at least let her get some fresh air. It would be nice if I could let her outside, even supervised in the back yard, but it's just not safe.

My sister borrowed my car-I don't like loaning it to her, but my mother would have thrown a fit and told me that I was being unreasonable if I'd said no. I don't like the way my sister drives, plus I know she'll smoke in the car even though I asked her not to. And that bothers me a lot. So does the fact that she'll be 29 this year, and still feels the need to hide the fact that she smokes from our father. If you're grown up enough to make a choice to do that, then you should be grown up enough to admit it. I really think it's stupid. (My Dad was a smoker for many years-he quit in 1988 and hasn't smoked since.)

I shouldn't be up at three AM. I had more things rattling around in my head but I paused for bill paying, and now I forget what it is.

Courtesy of salliesandbags

A Glossary of Kink Related Yiddish Terms

If you're looking for pronounciation advice, let me know.

You don't want to hear about the rest of my weekend. It was all about fighting with my Mom and bridesmaidzilla (aka my sister) about wedding details, and my Mom saying a lot of things to Cayne that I'm not supposed to have heard (but which I did anyway) that were nothing she hadn't said before, but which hurt my feelings nonetheless. I suppose Mom and I are in one of our dysfunctional phases...she's insanely toxic when we're like this. They tend to be short lived, and I suppose this one will end sometime around when the wedding planning comes to a close.

I suspect Mom was furious when Cayne told her that I had said that I didn't want to talk to her anymore last night. I'd gotten off the phone with her, without hanging up on each other...in that conversation, she said "perhaps it would be better if we didn't talk anymore tonight." I agreed. And then, I lost it, and broke down in tears. Cayne sent me off for a bath, and while I was crying, and on my way up to the bath, I said to him that I didn't want to talk to my Mom or sister anymore that night. Shortly after that, Mom called back. I was in the bath...Cayne certainly could have just told her that I was in the bath and would call her later or tomorrow, but he told her that I said I didn't want to talk to her anymore that night...which undoubtedly sent her into a tirade about how awful I am. Because it's perfectly okay for Mom to say that we shouldn't talk anymore that night, but it's not okay for me to say that. Mom and boundaries just don't mix...you know, I'm not allowed to actually have any when it comes to my Mom. I'm going out to Mom and Dad's this week for a bunch of wedding stuff...I'm not looking forward to it.

On top of this, Mom is saying that if I'm not sure that I like my wedding dress that I should go look for a new one. This is her subtle way of saying "are you sure your dress will still fit you?" The truth is, I'm not 100% sure about the dress, but that's fine. I'm not sure if it's the dress that I don't like or just my own body image issues that get in the way of my really seeing how the dress looks. At least we've settled the stupid bridesmaids dress issue, mostly. I just need to decide on the color of my sister's dress.

I'm so stressed from the wedding that I can feel the tension in my back and neck...so can Cayne, or for that matter, anyone who touches me.


If you happened to see me this weekend and I was not my usual self, I apologize. I'm just about to crack under the wedding stuff. Maybe I'll make it through the next three and a half months. Maybe.

I had my first official wedding nightmare. We were getting ready for the wedding, and suddenly realized we'd never gotten a marriage license. I think that makes it official.

Mom has decided that this Saturday is the day she wants to go look for her dress. I am so not looking forward to this part. Mom hates shopping. And it's a great time for her to get on my case about whatever she happens to not approve of. And of course, Mom and her complete disregard for my boundaries means I'm so not looking forward to this.

Cayne seems to be recovering from his bronchitis, I've got a cold now though. Joy.

We're tossing honeymoon ideas around. Seems like Vegas is at the top of the list.

Just waiting until this is done.

Suddenly, my best bra is too big. I asked Cayne if my breasts were shrinking and he said he thought so. It's not a bad thing, but wow, do I find it weird to have my bra too big. It looks funny on me.

Cayne and I had a quiet weekend at home, beneficial, I think to his recovery. Now let's just all hope that I don't get sick.

I'm scheduling a bunch of pre-wedding stuff...things like make up and hair trial, engagement photos with the photographer...more counseling with the rabbi. Seventeen weeks.

Cayne slept and played video games and watched some stuff he needed to for work, and I think he fixed the cable box on the upstairs TV, too, so that it actually has the channels it's supposed to.

We had some serious conversations too, this weekend...

( babytalk )

I need to go get our bags packed for the weekend-it's really odd that Cayne took me up on my offer to pack his stuff for the weekend (or so I think.) But then, perhaps not, because he knows I'll put in clothes that match and stuff.

We're going out to my parents tonight, and will be there for a couple of days, for Thanksgiving and some wedding stuff. I can't imagine that it will be much different than usual. My sister will complain and be miserable because she refuses to take anything for her allergies, for the cats. My Dad will yell at the football games on tv, and drink, and probably fall asleep. Mom and I, and probably my sister will cook too much food, and my brother will disappear most of the day, but show up for some part of dinner, potentially with his girlfriend. Cayne will be there, and find things to do and stuff. I'm not sure how that will work.

Then wedding stuff this weekend-florist and photographers and stuff like that. If I do the ten holiday wishes meme (probably will next week) I think one of them would be to have the wedding plans finished.

I should go get the packing done.