Sinking

[geminigirl]

I'm sitting here and dwelling on what I didn't get done this weekend...

Didn't get the kitchen floor mopped, didn't get the laundry done, didn't get the fridge cleaned, didn't clean the catbox and a half a dozen other things that I wanted to do.

I did sort of get the tub scrubbed. And I got groceries, which was a must. I'd been complaining since last week that I had no juice. I've stocked up-fruit punch, apple, pineapple...

But it's so frustrating. I had a couple of good days, and now I'm way way back. I took two days off last week...that's a lot. Still no word on what's going on, which drives me crazy. I'd like to have me back. Not dragging around can't focus, not sure what to do next, grocery shopping is overwhelming me...but me who got stuff done. Me who had energy and wanted to do things. Well, you get the idea.

I need to not dwell on what I'm not doing and be satisfied with what I am doing. That's so hard though, because I'm acutely aware of the difference between a few months back and now.

I'm considering another cat. I'd like one, but I'm not sure if Oblivion would. Kittens won't be ready for another two months though, so I have time to think.

Friday night I was ill enough that when rdhdsnippet offered to drive up here to take me to the emergency clinic for my health plan, I actually considered it. It was already late enough though that I decided to just sleep off whatever was going on. It helped some. It's important to have friends like that in one's life though...and I appreciate her offer more than she could know. My fever had spiked about four degrees higher than it's been hovering at...so it went from "low grade" to "scary". It's gone down at least two degrees, so it's higher than it was, but I'm at least coherent and mobile.

points had let me know he was going to be in town, and staying with geekchick. We had a Foo for him today for lunch. It was quite a treat. I miss having the Dragon on this coast. He's a treat, and it was nice to have a bit of cuddling with him. If I can ever get it together to go visit him and aynjel it would be fabulous. Lunch was fun, lots of random chatter, followed by ice cream. I will have to take curiousangel up on the conversation we had about finding a good crab dinner though.

I found a wonderful job in New York. I'm wavering on whether or not I should apply. It's fabulous, very similar to what I'm doing now, but do I really want to leave here? I've established something resembling a life. I have lovers and friends, and a job I like. But I have said I want to go back to NY. Or to Boston. Or out to the Bay Area. But it would be tremendous upheaval for my life, and starting over in some ways...although I do have friends in Brooklyn. I'm not sure what the best thing at this point is to do.

I miss aquariumgirl and I hope she's not going to see Goldmember without me. I also hope she's having a fabulous time, and can't wait to see photos and postcards.

Here's to hoping this is a better week than the last two have been.

*sigh*

Comments

[imadreamgirl.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I hope this week gets better.

Take care of yourself.

[joshuapanther.livejournal.com]

Maybe a change of scenery would do you some good.

Hope you're feeling a bit better and your last class goes well tonight. :)

*wonders at the slight bit of poetry to the fact that he's writing this as he listens to the live version of "Boston and St. Johns"*

[geminigirl]

Was that a "Come to Ohio and visit" sort of scenery change or a "move back to New York" sort of scenery change?

I'd just like to be able to take a few days off, which I really can't do for a while longer. And yeah, maybe to get away, do something other than hang out down here etc.

[joshuapanther.livejournal.com]

Ohio actually hadn't entered my mind at all when I typed that comment. I just know you talk about New York a fair bit and I know sometimes all it takes is a change in location to make things better (not all the time but sometimes) and I thought it was something worth considering. I'd never use your problems to push my own agenda. That's just not my style.

That said, getting away to somewhere (anywhere, actually) different for awhile would probably do you a world of good.

[geminigirl]

You're right about the change of scenery. But the more I thought about it, the more I'm not sure I'm ready to let go of what I've established here. It's all moot anyway unless I actually apply for and get offered the job.

Admittedly, part of me is scared and nervous. Part of me still feels the need to be away from my mother, although part of me feels the need to be closer to her.

I think a lot of the uncertainty is coming from not feeling well-it's hard for me to be able to make clear decisions about longer term possibilities when I'm not even sure I'll be able to get through the day without falling into an exhausted heap of nap-ness.

[joshuapanther.livejournal.com]

That's what the vacation would be for. I find that when things are just getting to be too much for me a temporary change of location can be very helpful. Just getting away from your current situation could make you feel better physically (there's always the slight chance that it's psycho-somatic to some degree) and it's always a good way to clear your head.

[geminigirl]

Unfortunatly, as much as I need the change of scenery, my finances don't allow for any kind of a vacation except perhaps spending a few days at my parents house. And even that's not vacation because I always feel like I should be doing something. And honestly, travelling up there in the summer is so incredibly stressful.
I'm going to try and spend some of the High Holidays with them-but that's not vacation either.

At this point I'm sure that whatever is going on is complicated by my own emotional state. I've been fortunate to be able to express that both here and in dealing with the NP who is coordinating my care.

I really should schedule some time off soon. Unfortunatly, as I look at my calendar, I've got groups going on for a while...once I get the next paycheck, which will have a current accounting of vacation time on it, I'll have to sit down and figure out when to take some time off...even as I plan the schedule for the next few months. I was hoping for October, but I realize that the way my program works with other agencies and programs, things are slower in September and pick up in October. Unfortunatly, September is when I do a lot of the work to market and schedule the program, and is also Rosh Hashanna and Yom Kippur, which take up time as well. I know I need to take time off or I'll burn out. But I'm not very good at figuring out when to do it.

[joshuapanther.livejournal.com]

When you get it send me an email telling me how much vacation time you have and what needs to get done (and by when if you have dates). Then just leave it to the master slacker. I'll tell you when you can take off and still have plenty of time for what you need to do. And then you just have to get a ticket to Boston or wherever you want to go. I'm sure you can get there cheaply. :)

[geminigirl]

It's actually scheduling it within the timeframe I have where I don't have groups, which is the problem. At this point, that's the end of September, since it looks like I'll be teaching again on Thursdays in about two or three weeks.

[joshuapanther.livejournal.com]

Looks pretty cut-and-dry to me. You know when you'll be able to take some time off so that's when you do it. :)

[geminigirl]

Yeah. As of right now...the last week in September-and that may not be a possibility because our grant year ends on 9/30. It's also awfully close to October, when you and I were talking about spending some time together. So no, I really don't have the time to take an extended vacation. I do have Labor Day weekend approaching, but travelling that weekend just sucks.

[joshuapanther.livejournal.com]

Don't worry about coming to visit me. As great as it would be you have to worry about yourself first. There's gotta be four or five days you can take somewhere...

[geminigirl]

Like I said...maybe the last week in September. But I'll be teaching Thursday nights again in a few weeks, which makes long weekends difficult since I'll have groups Monday, Tuesday and Thursday for most of August. But that still doesn't resolve the $ issue. :)

[joshuapanther.livejournal.com]

Ah yes. Money. Hence my setting aside of some extra in case a plane ticket is needed at some point. I remember now. :)