You know...my navel is awfully interesting right about now...

[geminigirl]

I can hardly believe it's the end of June already. I feel like the last month flew by. In 13 and a half weeks, (94 days, I think actually) I won't have this job anymore. Shortly after that, I'll leave NoVa.

Part of moving down here was running away from my Mom. I needed to get away, to physically put distance in between us, and limit contact, in order to just get my head together and get better about setting my boundaries with her. I've been trying to do it...she doesn't listen any better now than she did four years ago. I suspect it will continue to be this way, but at some point the tables will turn, and I will be able to say to her "this is my house, and in my house we don't do that." And it will hurt me to do that, but she just doesn't get "boundaries.".

She has tried to be nice for the last week. Sort of.

It's been such a roller coaster, to make all these changes and decisions so quickly...yes move, yes leave job, no grad school next year, get married. It's just changing. I sat in my bedroom last night and got chills...something just didn't feel at home. It was the same feeling I got when the Dementors floated through the latest Harry Potter movie. I keep thinking of the story the grandmother tells at the end of "Parenthood" (the Steve Martin movie) about the merry go round and the roller coaster.

I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be right now. In transition. And it's a hard place to be...I look around the house at things that I need to think about packing, and wonder when to start or where...I have no idea where I'm ending up, and so much stuff has decided it's not "I" anymore, it's "we." It's not that "I" has ceased to exist, but that it's different...things are different. That my fourth of July plans aren't about what I want to do, but about what both of us feel like doing, that Christmas is decided already...and instead of my traditional movie and chinese food, there will be other, new traditions-ones that aren't mine.

There are pieces that are ready to move on, and things that are so terrifying they make me want to hide from the world. I've gone from not being able to sleep to needing to sleep constantly...after-work naps, and all. Sleeping through my alarm clock-which is not something I do often. I crave stability because I don't have it right now-no job in a few months, no idea where I'll live.

I want to race off to my parents house to see the new kittens. I want to stay in bed for hours, and sleep. I want to get my apartment packed up and moved, but there's no place to take it to.

My new plants are growing...they're putting down roots. I'm uprooting myself. Things were mostly stable here, work, friends, lovers. But the plants are rooting and I'll do the same. There will be wonderful people and things to see and do, and it may not be Luna's Sweet Potato Fries with aquariumgirl on the nights we need to go out to dinner and talk.

And I'm leaving that behind. I'm leaving so much love, and familiarity and contentment. I'm leaving things to do and see, rolling out of bed and just doing. I'm leaving "the local news is national half the time anyway." I hate getting stuck on what I'm leaving because there are good things about whats ahead, and hard work and creating a life with someone, and what's tied up in all of that.

Remind me again when I feel like a grown up? When I am one? I spent so much time near the end of my last relationship being accused of not being one, and it's like I already doubted whether or not I was one (grown ups are supposed to be taller than I am anyway) and now I'm choosing things that grown ups do, and doing them and I'm still about as unsure, insecure, unable to trust myself as I ever was.

Comments

[fortryll.livejournal.com]

When you come to the edge of all you know,
And are about to step off into the darkness of the unknown,
Faith is knowing one of two things will happen:
There will be something solid to stand on—
Or you will be taught how to fly.
— Patrick Overton

You are growing and changing and your life is taking a new direction. I am really proud of you, of all that you are, and all that you are becoming. The becoming is not the easiest thing in the world, but it is so rewarding.

*hugs*

[cyan-blue.livejournal.com]

*Hugs*

[dindin.livejournal.com]

*snort* My mom doesn't get boundaries, either. :p

I'm around Friday night, are you? Otherwise we'll do drinks next week...

[geminigirl]

I have to bake cookies Thursday or Friday night, and the fiance arrives Friday night as well (but probably not until late) so yes, I could hang out with you on Friday. Just don't let me drink too much.

[dindin.livejournal.com]

Note to self: do not get geminigirl drunk and seduce her. ;)

[geminigirl]

I have a funny feeling that zedrikcayne wouldn't object to seduction.

The being too drunk to drive-that he might object to.

Shall we say Friday night at Freddies, or somewhere else?

[dindin.livejournal.com]

LOL. Freddies is fine with me, I might even take a car...

[zedrikcayne.livejournal.com]

Hey cutie. *schnerf* We're getting all growed up. And as far as I can tell, that stupid insecure/unsure stuff doesn't go away, but you learn to fake it cause that's what parents do. (I know, my parents told me so)

Hang in there love, *smewch*

Talk to you tonight.

[geminigirl]

As long as I know you're faking it too...

Hurry up and get here.

[zedrikcayne.livejournal.com]

Friday, m'kay?

[geminigirl]

Not soon enough!

Come fake it with me! The sooner the better.

[roosterbear.livejournal.com]

Heh, my mom doesn't understand boundaries either. My approach to handling that probably isn't the best, though.

And for the record? I know that nobody feels grown up all the time, but you've always struck me as one of my most together and mature friends. Seriously.