geminigirl | (no subject)

So this job thing in Baltimore. I went, I was sad about it for a while, and frustrated, and the truth is, it's disheartening to get that news now...not six months ago, not a year ago. But that's okay, that's the way things work. And there's of course no way to have Cayne keep his job and to take this job unless we decide we want to live in two separate places and whatnot, and while I know people who have done it for the sake of career, it's not something I want to do.

Okay, so I'm sad. And I'm worried about not finding a job, and worried about not bringing in money to contribute to household expenses and all that.

But I surprised myself this morning when I realized that I'm not resentful about it. It's the kind of thing that I always thought I would be resentful about-making a choice like that for a partner. But I'm not. I'm content with my choice, I'm content with what it means, although it does sting a bit-to pass on something like that, some of which would have potentially answered burning research questions that I've got. I'm far more okay with the situation than I could have ever envisioned myself being.

There's a part of me that worries about what that means-whether it means that sub-consiouly I'm giving up things that have for a long time, consciously been things I've declared important, or whether it just means that at this time, at this place, I've prioritized things differently, or what. There are dreams I have that I don't want to give up on right now, and I think I needed a reality check on that, but right now, things are okay as they are.

I'm doing the right thing, even if it means making choices. Choices that, if we hadn't decided to get married, might have been different...if we'd just talked about "getting more serious" or something, might have been otherwise. But I'm overwhelmed at the moment by the rightness of where some things are at.