Names, names names

[geminigirl]

Cayne and I are filing for our marriage license this afternoon...we're heading to the County Clerk in Rockland County to do it.

Suddenly, as I gathered the necessary paperwork, like my birth certificate, I'm overcome by uncertainty about what to do about my name. I thought we had resolved this months ago...I'd keep my first, middle and last names, but add his name as my legal last name, and he'd take my last name as a second middle name. We hyphenate awkwardly, or we'd both do that (though we still might decide to.) I'd continue to use my current name professionally, but his name legally/socially.

A long time ago, while collecting information and opinions about name changing after marriage, I asked Cayne if it were up to him, what I'd do. He replied that if it were his choice, I'd share his last name.


There's this gripping fear in the pit of my stomach about what I give up by changing my name-I wish I could see what I might gain.

I don't know that a new name would change the essence of me, but it's just strange to think of that label not being mine anymore.

Comments

[wait.livejournal.com]

You know I kept my name. And for all the pros and cons combined with the wedding madness?

Its was one of those decisions that I knew I didn't have to make that moment. I kept my name, because I can always change it later. I wanted to make sure I had a clear head and thought more about it.

[rdhdsnippet.livejournal.com]

I ditto this. I was married at the end of July and didn't file my paperwork with SS until February when I had to take a business trip. I'd been using my husband's last name since several weeks BEFORE I got married (it made some things easier for a new job so I didn't have to change once I got married).

You can use any name you want, legally, as long as you're not intending to defraud.

[aliki.livejournal.com]

I kept my name. Like someone said above, I just didn't get around to it. Before the wedding, like you, I was uncertain as to what to do, but I narrowed it down to three options: (1) Keep my name; (2) Take his name; (3) Make my last name my middle, and take his last name.

In the end, considering I'm not a US citizen, Malaysian passports are difficult to change (name changes are unheard of in Malaysia), and just plain laziness.

Either way, I interchangably use both my last name (the legal one) and his last name on cards I write, letters I send, and forms I fill out online for freebies. As long as you don't plan to defraud with it, nobody really says: "Hey-- are you really so-and-so? Show me some ID!"

[fes42.livejournal.com]

lj drive by:
Two words of advise from a friend who married two years ago. Do what you want with your name. Know that no matter what you do it will be a topic of conversation for the rest of your life. (Great adivse, sucky consquence, but she's right)

also see my post and comments Here in my journal (http://www.livejournal.com/users/fes42/103699.html)

[entirelysonja.livejournal.com]

I wish I could see what I might gain.

I'd say the major inconvenience of not having changed my name is that I have to explain it several times a week. "No, my daughter's last name is (name)." "No, my last name is (name)." "No, my husband's last name is (name)." After almost 12 years of marriage, I have to admit I'm starting to get a little sick of it. And it's sort of annoying not to be able to be referred to as a unit, as in, "are the Smiths coming to dinner?" Oh, and do you have any idea how hard it is to find a company that can make return address labels with both of our first and last names on one line?

On the other hand, I'm sure that if I did change my name, there are things I'd miss about my old name, and in particular, having that connection to my birth family.

[entirelysonja.livejournal.com]

One other thing about having the same last name:

You can buy a cool name plate for your house that gives the house number and says "The (Lastname)s" on it.

I've told you this before, but I'll say it again anyway:

Changing my name seemed like a really big deal when I got married. It seemed like I would have been giving up a part of my identity if I'd changed my name. I'd only ever had one name, and it seemed silly to me to change it because I was getting married.

Now that I've been married for a long time, my identity is all about that marriage and that family unit. The importance of my marriage permeates every aspect of my life. Even before we worked together in the same office, we drew on each other professionally. John is deeply involved in my volunteer work. We're a team.

I wouldn't say I'm sorry I didn't change my name. But it definitely no longer seems like the important issue it was then, and I know that if I had changed my name, I would long since have come to peace with that decision.

[katishna.livejournal.com]

You can buy a cool name plate for your house that gives the house number and says "The (Lastname)s" on it.

Yeah, as long as she doesn't put the damned apostrophe in it. Grr.

[arfur]

Me and my folkses (who never married, so maybe they don't count?) were always the "Pierce-Prokosch household" and "...family." Worked pretty well from my perspective.

Every so often a friend from somewhere on our block would come in and say "hi Mrs. Prokosch!" -- but that didn't matter so much.

I like what people are saying above (although I am, obviously, not a woman) -- if you don't change your name, you can be pretty fluid in everyday use. You can do that to a lesser degree even if you do, but I don't see it as the same.

[onlyblossom.livejournal.com]

wouldn't it be nice if ya'll had the same last name already :)

[yix.livejournal.com]

The most obvious thing that I gained from having the same last name was ease of doing business on my husbands behalf. Many many places have let me do things that I could otherwise have not done as soon as I show them my ID with his last name on it.

[yix.livejournal.com]

Oh, and as for the other part of this post...

My marriage licence didn't ask if I was going to change my name. However, I could later use it to change my name. So it wasn't until a few months later that I had to go through what you are going through. It was very emotional for me to change my name...

It did get easier for me though.

[holliehoxenfree.livejournal.com]

I sometimes miss my old name - but terribly often.

The most common thing I've seen is people who use their old name professionally and their new name socially.

Its still kind of confusing though, isn't it?

I think every option has its pros and cons and I had no idea you could actually wait several months to do the legal change. I suppose, you just have aliases to put down in the 'also known as' category.

Good luck.

[therealocelot.livejournal.com]

I've been procrastinating on changing my name for close to two years now.

Beforehand, I was all for it. koyote's last name is just so much simpler.

But now I just can't bring myself to actually do it.

[minikin.livejournal.com]

For me, changing my name was one of the exciting, this is really real, parts of getting married. We got married right after he got his BSEE and before my senior year, so my original name was barely established. For many years, I used all four of my names of things like mortgages, but over time I've pretty much dropped the maiden name. Since my mom changed her name, there's no family grief from my parents over it.

And woot! My brother just got married this year, to a 31 year old woman who is interested in having child(ren?) with him, so the family name may actually be carried on. ;)

[katishna.livejournal.com]

I had a difficult time with the name thing. My last name is very loaded to me, as at the time of my marriage I had a specific view of what had happened between my grandfather (bearer of my maiden name) and my grandmother before they got divorced. The view was NOT in his favor. But then my mother begged me to keep it, as I'm the last generation to have the name at all. So I moved it to my middle name (there are too many jennifers anyway) and took my husband's name.

Recently I've learned a whole bunch about my family that I never even imagined, and have gotten a different perspective on my grandparents' divorce, so now his last name isn't the killing word it used to be. I'm not necessarily "proud" to have it, as I might be if, say, I was William Wallace's descendant. But it's okay, and I'm glad I hung onto it.

[whitebird.livejournal.com]

I have to admit that were I to get married, my preference would be for my wife to change her name. To me, it's just the thing that's done. My mom did the maiden name as middle name thing, but she truly despised her middle name (and no one blames her, either...)

That said, I have friends, who, when they handfasted, or whatever non-marriage thing they did, combined both their names into a complete new one, not a hyphenated one.

Amusingly, their last names are now "Dang."