(no subject)

[geminigirl]

As I was cutting up some chicken to go in a stir fry for Cayne's lunch, I had Oprah on the TV. She's interviewing author Terry McMillian (of the semi-autobiographical How Stella Got her Groove Back and Waiting to Exhale and others) and her ex-husband, Johnathan Plummer, who revealed to Terry that he was gay.

During the early part of the program, Oprah was discussing with Terry McMillan how Johnathan revealed his sexual orientation to Oprah, and how, at the time he revealed to her that he is gay he also said that he'd never been intimate with a man. Terry McMillian responded with, "That's like saying you're an alcoholic without ever having had a drink."

It's a frequent refrain, "How can you know you're lesbian/gay/bisexual if you've never had sex with a MOTAS¹?

So, how did you know about your own sexuality...gay, lesbian, bisexual, straight, whatever label you choose to apply? Before or after you started having sex? Did you ever question it? How do you feel about what Terry McMillian said to Johnathan-do you think people can know before they try it?

(Anon posting on, IP logging off, so go ahead an answer anonymously if you like-also, feel free to link to this post and encourage other people to answer, and mactavish I can re-post it Friday to bisexual as a QOTW if you like.)

1. Member Of The Appropriate Sex

Comments

[alibee.livejournal.com]

Oh cripes, I think that's total BS. I was boy crazy all through middle and high school and I never even KISSED one until I was 18. I also didn't go on a date until I was a sophomore (yay parental rules).

I think people who say that stuff just don't know what the hell they're talking about. Who would *choose* to be gay? It's a pain in the ass! It's not like you meet a lot of heterophobics, eh? Additionally, I don't think you need to sleep with someone to know you're attracted to them!

Argh. People are so ignorant.

[alibee.livejournal.com]

You know, it occurs to me that when I'm irritated, I type like I'm 12.

In addition to my comment about people choosing to be gay (and really, I have a hard time believing anyone living anywhere other than a very liberal area would even consider this to be true), I think it's somewhat of a backhanded slap for her to say that about her husband. What, does she think that the real issue is that he was tired of her and wanted an easy way out? Why would he pick "gay" as his reason to not want to be with her as a married couple? Or is she trying to argue with him to convince him that he's wrong?

[dusty-dubplate.livejournal.com]

I must say though, I've actually seen a guy use his boyfriend as a weapon against controlling parents. Whenever he gets drunk he goes after women.. but I'm not sure what that means.

[alibee.livejournal.com]

I was talking to someone about that recently... I think that being drunk sometimes just makes people yearn for closeness, even if they're not sexually attracted. So there are they gay guys who go for women, or the straight chicks who will french their best friends... or people who smoke only when drinking.

Although the last one confuses me.

[dusty-dubplate.livejournal.com]

The instance I saw this happen, he was begging this girl for a BJ at a party. He'd also dated women before. Maybe he fits somewhere in the middle, but it always seemed a little weird to just about everyone who knew him.

[tisiphone.livejournal.com]

Uh, maybe he was bisexual?

[lexinatrix.livejournal.com]

Unless he pursued a relationship with a woman, I'd say probably not. Who someone has sex with isn't the defining behavior of one's sexual orientation. Attraction and intimacy have more to do with it, I think.

[tisiphone.livejournal.com]

*shrug* I haven't had a relationship with a woman in quite a while. I'm still bisexual.
Sometimes it takes a little while to come to terms with one bit or the other.

[dusty-dubplate.livejournal.com]

Yeah, that's what I meant by saying 'in the middle'. I should have been more clear.

[lexinatrix.livejournal.com]

I knew a couple gay guys who'd be all over me when they were drunk. One of them cornered me at a party and kissed me. I gave him a "what the fuck?!" and he said that even though he'd never been with a woman, he thought I was hot. Crazy.

Chicks who french their friends when drunk are attention whoring. =P

And I sometimes smoke when I'm drinking. It's the inhibition-lowering effect of alcohol that convinces me that it's 'no big deal' if I smoke. Eh.

[lexinatrix.livejournal.com]

To address McMillan's comment: people understand what attracts them without acting on them. At the same time, I know I had to try a few things before I could understand what gender (and even what traits within a gender) attracts me and whether I'll be satisfied with acting on that attraction.

I can see where McMillan's rage comes from. From what I know of her history with her husband, she was pursued by him... courted. She was deeply touched by his attraction to her, and felt renewed by it (which is why she said she wrote the book).

To discover that all of that was fundamentally a lie had to be heartbreaking and infuriating. Heartbreaking for losing a great love, and infuriating because this is embarrassing to admit publically and I'm sure she feels like she was conned.

Yes, he cannot change his being gay (assuming it's not a stunt - his honesty truly is suspect here), but he could have changed any one of the many decisions he made and deceptions he perpetrated. He cannot be absolved of his role in this whole mess by claiming confusion or prejudice. He's an adult and if he truly respected and cared for McMillan, he would have been honest.

As an aside: I had heard that his marriage to her was a way for him to achieve a level of fame and wealth. This rumor could be purely an apologist response to his coming out.