Two things I'm thinking about before I go to bed

[geminigirl]

I'm a puzzle fan. Logic problems, crossword puzzles, Sudoku, all of them strongly appeal to me. I started as a kid, with the logic problems. Really basic ones. The teacher who ran the pull out program for "gifted and talented" kids used to provide them...first they were more visual-a set of of items that have related characteristics, and pick out the one that's different. Then, smaller versions of the the ones in the magazines, where you get five or so clues about things, and you have to match the answers up. Like these. In high school, the librarian would copy the NY Times puzzle every day, and put it in the library, and I started doing it, just about every day, thoughout high school. So I'm really intrigued, and excited for Wordplay The Movie which opens this weekend, and I'm really hoping it makes it to here. (I bemoan leaving New York and DC a lot when things like this show up.) A movie about crossword puzzles? Good entertainment.



I've never had such mixed feelings about the arrival of my period before. On one hand, it's nice to know it's back, sort of...even if it is entirely artifical. On the other hand, it's also really distressing...it's the most concrete reminder of the fact that, come September, there won't be a baby. This is about the time when we would probably have started really preparing-thinking about cribs and carseats, and diapers. And it hurts. It's like, I finally sort of got a handle on things and could almost be happier for the two people I know who have gotten pregnant recently, than I was angry (at them, at me, at higher powers, at who knows what) and then my period shows up, and while it's not that it's necessarily a bad thing to see, it's also not supposed to be here. I should be thinking about what color to paint the baby's room in the new house, and instead, I'm counting the days til my next ultrasound (43, in case you care) and hoping that everything is in order then.

I'm not sure I'll ever let go of blaming myself for what happened. I hope I can, because it would be an incredibly bad idea for all sorts of reasons to keep blaming myself. And most days, it's okay, but I have those moments, the dark, quiet moments, when the only things I really can hear are my own thoughts and the purring cat, when the only light is what comes in from outside, when, deep down, I ache.

Comments

[points.livejournal.com]

*Warm hugs being sent your way*

[mhw.livejournal.com]

*offers hugs*

You're right, it would be incredibly bad to keep blaming yourself, but I don't know how you can get through this particular grief. I wish that I did.

[meepkitty.livejournal.com]

I'm with Points, big warm hugs are being sent to you!

[jaclyn.livejournal.com]

this is one of those posts, that I have responded to, erased, responded again and erased.

just know there is good energy out here rooting for you from the sidelines, and the blood can be anything you wish it to be

a reminder that a new cycle is starting, a new cycle of hope
find the lesson

[geminigirl]

You're right about the blood...and I think remembering that is why I'm having mixed feelings; it's nice, on one hand to know that things are kind of working okay, and difficult because it's just not supposed to be happening right now.

If I walk beyond this experience with nothing else, I'll know the strength of my relationships, with my friends and lovers.

[rdhdsnippet.livejournal.com]

Blaming yourself doesn't solve anything, but you know that.

I wish I could tell you the ache goes away, sweetheart. It doesn't. But what it does do is slowly but surely become something you don't think about and feel every single minute of every single day.

If you want to talk sometime, just let me know.

[geminigirl]

Thanks.

[aliki.livejournal.com]

Have fun with this one. Resets daily.
http://www.setgame.com/set/puzzle_frame.htm

Ever read To Mock a Mockingbird? My mother got that for me in middle school, I loved it. It's a logic puzzle book. It truly turned me onto logic puzzles.

As for baby thoughts, I'm not quite sure how to put the thoughts in my head into words, so I'll just write: I'm thinking of you, I'm hoping for nothing but the best.

[geminigirl]

I love the game of Set. I actually replaced my Set cards this year, because mine were worn and falling apart. aquariumgirl and her husband host a gaming event at their house, somtimes, and I walked in one afternoon, halfway through a game of Set and still won. Cayne can't play it.

I never did read To Mock a Mockingbird, though To Kill a Mockingbird is one of my favorite books.

And thanks.

[alibee.livejournal.com]

All I can offer you is a hug. So, should we ever meet IRL, make sure to cash this coupon in for some rib-breaking.

[geminigirl]

Come to Disneyworld...

[vvalkyri.livejournal.com]

:hugs:

[jennifer0246.livejournal.com]

I have nothing to say that hasn't been said and that you don't know. But I'm reading, and I care.

[vix.livejournal.com]

**hugs**

[xxladyjxx.livejournal.com]

Thinking of you E. And everyone else is right...blaming yourself won't solve anything. You have not missed your chance to be a Mom in this life. Stay positive.

[datagoddess.livejournal.com]

I'm thinking of you, dear. I just lack the words to say much.

*hugs*

[baratron.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

[scherzoid.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

rdhdsnippet's offer goes for both of us, BTW. If you want to talk, we're here.

I'm looking forward to "Wordplay" too -- even more since I learned that an old and very dear college friend (who I'd lost touch with, but just rediscovered on LJ a few weeks ago) appears in the film.

[rockstarbob.livejournal.com]

I´m here and I´m listening. I´m sorry you´re going through this.

[maxdwolf.livejournal.com]

Hugs

[entirelysonja.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

Serious question: In what way do you blame yourself for the miscarriage? I'm having a great deal of difficulty identifying anything about the situation that you could possibly have done anything about.

[mhw.livejournal.com]

I talked about this (mentioning no names, of course) to my friend Tina (youngatheart) who's unfortunately had several miscarriages (and five lovely kids also, so don't panic!) and she said "Oh yes. I know that feeling all too well." She said that one thing that helped her get through the loss was to name the babies that she'd lost. I don't know if that would help you, but I thought it might be worth mentioning.

She said that she'd be happy if you wanted to talk with her and get some support, she'd be glad to help. She's mailable as young AT challenor.net if you'd like to.