(no subject)

[geminigirl]

So, we all know we're having issues here. Don't need to get into that. What I'm trying to figure out is how I know when to stop. I feel kind of guilty that I'm thinking about stopping when I have people pumping for me, and I'd like her to get some breastmilk for another four or so months-until she's about six months old, and I don't know how long other people are willing or able to keep pumping for her.

But I also know it's not financially nor emotionally feasible to continue the crazy supplements/medication/pumping/SNS. I know that it's more important than any breast milk that I develop a positive relationship with Naomi about eating and food and feeding, because that will carry on well beyond this stage of her life.

I'm trying to figure out when it's okay to stop. When it would be okay not only for me, but for the people who are kind and thoughtful enough to pump for her so she gets more breastmilk than the few ounces a day she gets from me. I don't know how long my milk will last-this may be entirely inconsequential.

So if you were pumping for someone else in addition to feeding your own baby, not a full supply but five or so ounces a day, what would you say about stopping to the Mom who was getting your milk? Would you be okay with it if she stopped trying? When would that become okay?

Comments

[aelf.livejournal.com]

I would absolutely be ok with it. I would be giving you milk because I had extra, or the ability to produce extra, you know?

It would become ok with me as soon as the baby was born.

I would be giving you milk because I wanted your daughter to have the best possible food. Of course I'd also want her to have the best possible mom. And if having the best possible mom means letting mom get away from living by the pump or clock? I'd support it.

I'd be surprised if a donor mom would be anything but supportive of you taking care of yourself and your baby.

[geminigirl]

Thanks. I need this kind of feedback cause all I can see is the huge "I'm a failure" side of things.

[katishna.livejournal.com]

Ditto, ditto, ditto. Couldn't have said it any better.

[jpallan.livejournal.com]

I think that if a mom has genuinely put a lot of effort into it, there is no reason for her to continue to drive herself crazy attempting to create a milk supply where, for whatever reason, there isn't one. The important parts of breastfeeding are nutrition and bonding, and I'd hate to sacrifice time and energy that could be dedicated to the second solely for the purpose of the first.

Let go, and I'd suggest writing a note to the moms pumping for you individually. "After two months and constant support, I have realised that I myself, for whatever reason, won't be able to nurse Naomi. I deeply appreciate all your help — more than I can say, truly — and will gladly accept any milk you can give me for as long as you can give it, and I wish that I myself could be the one giving it." This allows them to say, "If you're not trying to nurse anymore, I'm not going to keep on with extra pumping, and best of luck" or "I'll happily keep you going with my freezer stash, don't worry about it."

[tisiphone.livejournal.com]

What I would think would be of no account at all, but I would never want someone to keep trying to breastfeed if it was mentally or physically damaging them or their child, or had the potential to. Reducing your milk supply is easy, and I'd be supportive of you stopping any time you decided enough was enough. You've gone well above and beyond the point where most women would have called it quits, and anyone that's going to condemn you for stopping is ridiculous and wrong.

[inkedmama.livejournal.com]

i know providing breastmilk for someone else's child is incredibly personal, but, personally speaking, i wouldn't feel it was any of my business when/if said mom decided to discontinue breastfeeding.

to me, the health & wellbeing of mom would be equally important to that of the kiddo i was helping out.

although i didn't use donor milk, i know exactly what you're going through. making the decision to stop breastfeeding isn't selfish on your part - you have to take care of you. i can't imagine any sane person begrudging you your sanity. *hugs*

ps - in case it actually NEEDS to be said, you're not a failure. you've gone above & beyond what most other moms (including me!) would do to provide breastmilk for their child.

[xxladyjxx.livejournal.com]

I am stopping my domperidone & would happily mail you my 20 mg bottle free of charge.

I need to stop pumping for my mental health so that I can be with Bella more often, now that she's eating more, I am having trouble staying ahead & I am in a lot of pain. I'm having huge guilt issues, too, & pretty much have crying jags all day long.

Hugs and good vibes.

[geminigirl]

I know what you mean with the guilt issues. I think that's why I post stuff like this.

If you're done with the domperidone, I can use it since I'm still going for now.

[rockstarbob.livejournal.com]

Given that I'm one of the mamas pumping for you, I feel like I might have something useful to say. ;)

My answer is that everything is up to the mama. If you decide you want to move on, that's your call and it's cool w/me. I wish I could help make the decision, but that's gotta be all you. There will be milk if you need it. That is all.

[fj.livejournal.com]

Your daughter comes first. If continuing to pump makes you a worse parent and stifles your relationship, you stop pumping. You may want to explain that to the volunteer, but that is secondary.

Also, you may know that I have ten nieces and nephews, and that my father has a girlfriend who has two children. I mentioned your plight in conversation and my sister-in-law and my not-stepmom both piped up: 1) They knew how you felt since they had been there, the sense of failure (not-stepmom felt extra bad, like you, because she had had multiple miscarriages so she felt a total failure at this mother thing) 2) Bottle fed kids actually live and thrive -- give yourself a break.

[puzzld1.livejournal.com]

If you want it, I have some left-over domperidone which I'll be happy to mail you.

I donated milk with Molly. The Mom needed to stop pumping. I was completely fine with it

[geminigirl]

I'll take it if you've got it. Do you have my current address?

[puzzld1.livejournal.com]

Lost it while I had placenta brain. My email is my first name @netaxs.com

[geminigirl]

Had a feeling that might be the case. Will send you an e-mail in a moment, while someone else is holding the Nacho.

[therealocelot.livejournal.com]

For me, it isn't so much a matter of "when" as what effort has been made and what the results have been. You've put in a lot of effort without much result, and it seems unlikely that further effort is going to result in a greatly increased supply. I don't see any reason to be petty and insist you continue putting effort into pumping.

If you forced me to put a time on it - 12-14 weeks, as that's about the point where it switches to autonomic control and increasing supply is less feasible. But by this point I think you have a pretty good idea of where you stand and how much further increase you're likely to see.

FWIW, if a mom in your situation told me she was going to stop pumping/medicating/etc in order to concentrate on using an SNS or otherwise increasing bonding, I'd be all for it. Which isn't to say that's the one true solution or anything, as I've never used an SNS and don't know how much of a pain it is. It's just a case where I'd have no hesitation about continuing.

[therealocelot.livejournal.com]

I should mention that my feelings also depend on how much of a hardship it is for me. If it's leftover freezer stash that I'm not going to use anyways or a few minutes extra on an already scheduled pumping session, no big deal. I'm not going to be particularly offended if they quit for any reason. If I was putting a lot of effort into pumping, I'd probably feel somewhat taken advantage of if I felt they weren't making a reasonable effort themselves or that they were blowing their chances of increasing their own supply.

None of this applies to you, just examining how I feel about the issue in general. Which is entirely hypothetical as I don't seem to produce well enough for the pump to be of much use to anyone. I've gotten maybe 5 oz out total in the 30some hours since Astrid last nursed. Not that I've been making a particularly organized effort at it, but you'd think I wouldn't be having any trouble getting several ounces a session at this point.

[entirelysonja.livejournal.com]

I think it's OK for you to stop as soon as you feel that your regret about not providing your own milk to Naomi is less than your regret about not doing the things you'd be able to do for/with Naomi if you weren't doing the drugs, pumping, etc.

As for the folks who are pumping for you -- I think it depends on why they are doing it and how much work it is for them.

When I was pumping for someone else's baby, I was doing it specifically because the mother was trying so hard to establish her own milk supply. I hadn't previously been pumping much if at all, but I ramped up my production so I was pumping 16 ounces a day for the other woman's baby. It was a lot of work for me, and definitely impacted my life. I rearranged my own baby's nursing patterns in order to maximize pumping production. I had to take a pump with me when I traveled and store/transport the milk. I stayed up late every night in order to fit in a late-night pumping session. I couldn't skip a pumping session even if it was inconvenient, because of the increase to my supply. Arranging things in order to pump as much milk as possible required dozens of decisions every day.

So when the mom decided nursing wasn't going to work out for her, I seriously cut back on my pumping and stopped pumping entirely within a couple of months. While I certainly agree that breastmilk is superior to other foods available for babies, my motivation wasn't really about providing the best food for the baby, but rather about supporting the mom's efforts to nurse her own baby.

But that was a fairly extreme situation, and I'm sure I would have felt differently if there'd been less pumping, and if the goals had been different.

If I were doing one pumping session a day for someone else's baby, I'd probably be willing to do it for, say, three months as long as I felt the mother had made a reasonable effort to nurse the baby herself. I doubt I'd be willing to do it for longer, just because it is hard to arrange my own schedule to make the pumping possible, and I know myself well enough to know that it would get to me after a while.

[bangfrog.livejournal.com]

I would have no problem donating and pumping for another mom as long as I had excess supply.

[ahurani.livejournal.com]

I just friended you, I'm a friend of palliddreamer, I've read some of your entries on his friends page. My son is 8 wks old and I'm breastfeeding and clothdiapering.

As someone who's had issues w/ oversupply, if I were pumping for someone else who's tried as hard as you have, I would have no problem with her stopping at this point. From what I've read, you've done so much. And as both you and other people have pointed out, what's important is the nutrition and bonding and mom being stressed out definitely makes bonding more difficult. I've actually thought about pumping and donating because of reading about what you've been going through, but first of all I'm on antidepressants and I don't think I'd want to expose someone else's baby to that even if there's no evidence of harm and secondly I work full-time, so I admit it would take a lot of effort to pump enough to make a difference for someone. Anyway, that's just a side thought.

[geminigirl]

Thanks for the heads up and the hello. I do my best to breastfeed, and we also cloth diaper. And it's good to have more Mom-friends with little ones near the age of Naomi, who is ten weeks (she was born on April 18th.)

I try really hard to remember that in the end, what matters is that she grows up to be a good person, kind and compassionate, sure of herself, making good choices, all of those things. It's not going to matter whether she was born at home or in the hospithat, even if at ten weeks or eight weeks, that's what matters. tal, whether she ate breastmilk or formula...there's more to life than

If you want to donate, you might check out Milkshare.com-we've gotten some of our milk through there, and there are recipients who would be okay with antidepressants.

[ahurani.livejournal.com]

I think it's pretty obvious you've gone to tremendous lengths trying to do what's best for Naomi and she's lucky to have a mom who cares as much as you do. :)

[geminigirl]

I kind of wish I knew whether I was doing a good job or not. But there's no metric for that.