geminigirl | Confusion is nothing new.

It's funny; I haven't really felt this confused about this sort of thing in a while...but for some reason I am...

tommx commented today that I should bring

aquariumgirl next time there's a dojo party.

Sure. Why not, right? (Assuming of course, she wanted to come along.)

It's not that simple. Even though it should be.

It's been a while since I had to really consider the reaction that I'd get from other people by coming out. No one at work cared. My friends knew.

When I've chosen not to be out (or as out in some cases) it's been for reasons. In grad school I was less out because I didn't really feel like being the queer one all the time-let someone else do that. At a previous job, it was because it would have jeopardized my employment there. Things like that. I've been selective at times. I respect that everyone has a level of out-ness that's okay for them, and needs to choose where and when to be out and how out to be in each situation.

But back to the dojo thing...during the toasting, someone toasted dojo spouses. And rather than feeling a little knot about not having a spouse (which I do feel once in a while) I felt one about being queer as a football bat. [1]

Okay, so it's kind of like this. (As I continue to babble, right?)

I like the dojo. I love participating in karate. It's a lot of fun. It also has this inherently heterosexist feel to it when people are being social. In a cultural default sort of way. So I have no data on how people might react to girls dating girls...with the exception of

tommx of course. And yesterday when we were talking about what we'd done during the day, I did say I'd spent the day with my girlfriend. But see, it's hard to figure out how someone is parsing that; unless they ask for clarification I'm never sure if they get it.

So the heterosexist thing. Right. It's a sort of cultural default thing...not going out of the way to be that way or not be that way. Just that that's the way most things are. And frankly, I find that less bothersome than people who go out of the way to be that way. All cultures develop norms, and in ours, hetero is the norm. Okay, fine...right? I mean, I have no problem violating that. It's just my life.

I stopped caring what most people thought about this years ago. Really and truly. I had to; it was just incompatible with my relationship style. So I can't figure out why I'm getting tweaked over this possibility.

It bothers me. It makes me feel like I did when I first came out. And that started nearly ten years ago. It's a rush of emotions, of fear again. I don't get it. It doesn't make sense. And it doesn't fit with how I've lived my life recently.

It's not making any sense to me. I don't like that I'm wondering about this. Nothing changes about who I am because I like both girls and boys; in fact that is a significant part of who I am. It's part of what makes me me. (Only part; I'm not hung up on that piece of my identity being everything.) So why do I care?

[1] Let me explain the etymology of this phrase...once upon a time, back in college, we were bored. Very bored. And quite possibly drunk too. And trying to describe just how queer we were. You know, kinda like a three dollar bill. Except that they all sucked. Except for that one, which was kind of funny and stuck. I mean, have you ever seen a football bat?