geminigirl | Ass kicking, body whining, and malaise....

My body is telling me "dojo, dojo, dojo" as in "Get thee to thy workout. NOW!" I'm not sure why...it hasn't been any more than the usual length of time between workouts, but I'm just needing to be there. I'm not sure if it's the physical activity that I need, or the time to clear my head, but whatever it is, I need it. I hate that I'm still missing one workout a week. And I'll continue to miss one workout a week until May it seems, which is terribly far off. And I want to train, need to train, need to do more, learn more, get better. I've never had any desire to be a black belt, or anything, but I want to learn more. It's a good feeling. I just want to improve and achieve and do it the best I can. Even the frustration when my body feels awkward, when my punches don't feel right, when my body position is wrong, and I know it, or even if I don't. Even that's good. And flexibility...that's a fun part. I had my nose on my knees during one of the stretches...it takes a bit of work, and shifting my boobies out of the way, but I can do it. Perhaps I'll get my splits down to the floor again. That would be fun. Either way, I'm enjoying my workouts-mentally and physically. Now if I could find a place to swim a couple of times a week as well, that would be wonderful. The problem of course being money; rec center and jcc memberships are too expensive. I've e-mailed the person at the JCC membership office to see if there was anything they could do to help. If I sound pitiful enough, perhaps they'll help me out. But I need more. I need it, not just want it, but I need to move. And it feels good.

I haven't had a good bodywhine for a while. So it's time again.

My body is changing. I know that. I've got muscles, which is strange. But the fat isn't going anywhere. It's sort of frustrating. I'm not doing any of the things I do to accomplish that-it would just be an added benefit. It's just not happening-or if it is happening, the rate of muscle gain to fat loss isn't hapening at the ratio I'd like.

I'm okay with this, it's just irritating. I'd like to be able to buy new clothes. The ones I have are fitting differently; my sweater isn't quite right. It used to be fine.

I feel good. I'm eating crap. I'm craving meat-red meat. Not chicken, not fish, but red meat. Like PMS only even worse. This is like the PMS that had me driving to the grocery store at 1 AM to make meat sauce so I could have spaghetti...course the sauce wasn't done til like 5 AM...and I ate it. I can't stop eating meat. I want caffeine again. And I'm not doing a very good job at resisting.

I ate a burger for lunch today.

I'm not hating my body or anything. I'm just frustrated.

At the same time, I love that I'm pushing the boundaries of what it can do, and stretching and feeling good making it do things. It's refreshing. I just wish it would cooporate and do more about taking the shape that I want.

And considering I swore I could never do a low carb diet type thing...now I'm not so sure.

Patience is key here. I know that. I'm physically stronger than I was, and mentally feeling good. That's what counts the most. That and my being happy.

There's a piece of me that desires hibernation. I want to just take a few days off and hang out in my pajamas in my apartment. Part of me wants to do more cleaning and paint the two tables that are sitting in my living room. Part of me just wants to stay up late, sleep late, cuddle the cats, watch bad daytime TV, mess around on the computer and graze instead of eating. There's an element of blah in my life. It's a familiar thing-I get like this winter-like times every year or so. It's irritating, and frustrating. It makes it hard to get out of bed. Having a job makes it hard to hibernate-to really crack and lock myself in the house like I did in college. I'm scared of doing that again...of not getting out of bed, not washing my hair, not leaving my apartment. I don't have a roommate to depend on now, for groceries. Someone has to take care of my cats. It helps keep me going. I don't ever want to get that dark again. It scares me that I ever went there.

But I do need a few days off to just hide. Maybe the end of this month or something; I'll take a couple of days off and just do my groups/class and not be in my office. We'll see.